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Why Self Esteem Matters

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A number of years ago I worked for one of the UK’s top IT companies — a global player. We were meeting to discuss a major bid, and the room was filled with people who didn’t meet often — the most senior managers from a number of divisions. There were very few middle tier managers in the room, almost exclusively senior managers who were accustomed to being ‘top dog’. The atmosphere in that room was almost tangible. I wanted to bottle the air and analyze it later — I had never experienced such naked power, and it dawned on me in that moment that we are almost blind to the status signals we transmit.

That meeting was an epiphany, and led to me becoming a hypnotherapist with a particular interest in researching confidence and self esteem. Because what I discovered in that company, and in many companies I have assisted subsequently, was the startling fact that an individual’s self-esteem is a reliable indicator of how far they will progress in the organization. Some technical geniuses can buck the trend, but they are very rare. For most of us, our ability to influence decision-making is precisely limited by our self esteem.

Why does this matter? It matters because the person with the greatest self esteem is not necessarily the right person to be making the key decisions. We have all suffered foolish bosses. Perhaps we have all wondered how on earth they reached such positions of seniority, given their obvious shortcomings. If you will excuse the bluntness: that incompetent boss is there because you haven’t yet been sufficiently convincing. Your performance is perhaps the least important aspect on which you will be judged; what matters is your status in the group.

Status is a fascinating topic. We communicate our status constantly, primarily through body language and voice tone. This communication is unconscious; it is felt rather than known or consciously controlled. The way in which you behave reflects your self perception of status. This is either accepted or challenged by the people around you. A dominant person (relative to you) will cause you to back off from a challenge. A submissive person (again, relative to your own status) will make it easy for you to project your will.

And so we come to the nub. We should all seek to develop our self esteem, not because of the personal benefits which will flow from this personal growth — career enhancement, improved love life etc — but because we have a duty to ourselves and our communities. Until and unless we step up to the plate, our communities will remain vulnerable to an almost random process of leader selection. So ask yourself: ‘Am I allowing less talented people to make decisions on my behalf?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps you should consider stepping up to the plate yourself. The first step in this process is building up your own self confidence and self esteem. Don’t be bashful; there’s nothing selfish about developing your own qualities. A community with a rich selection of potential leaders is, in my view, a secure community.

8 Universal Laws of Self Esteem

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The Self esteem Law of Stuart Smalley

Genuinely strong self-esteem has nothing to do with the Stuart Smalley character on “Saturday Night Live.” Smalley was played by talk-show host A1 Franken who looked in the mirror to tell himself “You’re good enough,you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” This is not the kind of namby-pamby-feel-good self-esteem we’re talking about.

The Law of Definition

Self-esteem is one of those frequently used terms that we believe we know the meaning of until we are asked to define it. Most folks define it as the way you feel about yourself. The problem is feelings can, and often do, change. The definition I have found most useful of self-esteem is: the strength and power of your belief in your self.

The Law of Ends vs. Means

While working on increasing your self-esteem, remember it’s just a means to an end, not the end in and of itself. I’ve known lots of unsuccessful people, and even people who continually do the wrong thing, and yet they feel good about themselves. Self-esteem is merely a means to the end if increasing the quality of life, for yourself and those around you.

The Law of Company

Self-esteem is strongly influenced by the company you keep. Hang around people with weak self-esteem and yours is likely to be weak as well. And guess what? Hang around people with strong self-esteem, and yours is likely to strengthen as well.

The Law of Blame and Accuse

I’ve heard so many people say “My self-esteem is low because I’m too this/that, I grew up without this/that and this/that has happened to me.” Which usually leads me to wonder what does a person who is too this/that, grew up without this/that, and has had this/that happen to them, DO WITH THE REST OF HIS OR HER LIFE?

The Law of Action

You can learn about self-esteem, read about it, go to seminars, etc., and nothing will change if you don’t do something with what you learn. In order to change something, you simply must TAKE ACTION!

The law of NWBG

While NWBG may sound like the name of a rock group, it’s really a fast and easy way to measure and improve your self-esteem. In vertical order, write the letters NWBG, which stand for Now-Worst-Best-Goal. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is the worst and 10 is the best) rate your self-esteem the way it is Now, the Worst it has ever been, the Best it has ever been, and the Goal you would like it to be. This gives you a number next to each of the letters NWBG. If you are like most folks, Now is higher the Worst. This gives us some important information:

How did you get from the worst to where you are now? The answers can be key for further strengthening your self esteem.

The Law of Higher Math

Now we will do a little higher math in order to strengthen your self-esteem. Take the number for your Goal (let’s say 10) and subtract from it the number for now (let’s say 4), so it’s 6. So that’s six levels of self esteem to travel, which is too big a chunk all at once.

Let’s make it manageable by taking one level at a time. What small, simple steps can you begin to take immediately to move you from a four to a five? And then a 5 to a 6, a 6 to a 7, and so on. In this way you can measure your progress as you go, and rather quickly strengthen your self-esteem.

How’s that for progress?

50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking Part 8

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self esteem walk picSelf Esteem:

32. Little Steps for Big Feats: If you have trouble with procrastination, you can break large, overwhelming tasks down into small steps that you can tackle one at a time. If you tell yourself you have to clean the entire garage today, you’ll never get started. Instead, break it down into small steps. Tell yourself you only have to carry two cardboard boxes out to the trash. That will feel far less overwhelming and you may end up doing a great deal more than you planned.

33. Anti-Procrastination Sheet: This is similar to Little Steps for Big Feats but it’s more sophisticated. Break a large task down into small steps and predict how difficult and how satisfying each step will be on a scale from 0% to 100%. Record these predictions on the Anti-Procrastination Sheet. After completing each small step, record how difficult and satisfying it turned out to be on a scale  from 0% – 1o0%. Now compare your predictions with the outcome. Many people discover that each small step is far easier and much more rewarding than they expected.

Anti-Resistance Techniques

34. Straightforward Cost-Benefit Analysis (CBA): List the advantages and disadvantages of a Negative Thought (I’m such a loser) or Self-Defeating Belief (I should be perfect). You can also do a CBA for a negative feeling like anger, guilt, or anxiety, a habit, or a relationship problem. In each case, ask yourself, ” What are the advantages and disadvantages of this belief, feeling, or habit? How will it help me and how will it hurt me?” After you list all the advantages and disadvantages, balance them against each other on a 100-point scale so you can see whether the costs or the benefits or your mind-set are greater.

Self Esteem

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self esteem beach picSelf Esteem: Anti-Procrastination Techniques

30. Daily Activity Schedule: When you’re depressed, everything seems overwhelming, and nothing seems worth doing, so you may give up on life. The Daily Activity Schedule can help you overcome do-nothingism. Record what you do each hour from the time you get up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night. Rate how satisfying each activity was on a scale from 0 (not at all satisfying) to 5 (the most satisfying). A review of the schedule will show you which activities boost your mood the most.

31.  Pleasure Predicting Sheet: Schedule a series of activities with the potential for pleasure, learning, or personal growth. Indicate whom you plan to do each activity with. Include activites you can do by yourself (such as jogging) as well as activities with other people. Predict how satisfying each activity will be on a scale from 0% (the least) to 100% (the most). After you complete each activity, record how satisfying it actually turned out to be on the same scale. Now compare your actual satisfaction ratings with your predictions. Many depressed people find that lots of activities turn out to be more rewarding than they predicted. This discovery can boost your motivation. You can also compare the satisfaction you get from being alone with the satisfaction you get from being with other people. This can help you test Self-Defeating Beliefs such as, “If I’m alone, I’m bound to feel miserable. ”

Self Esteem

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self esteem serenity picSelf Esteem: Humorous techniques

21. Paradoxical Magnification: Instead of refuting your Negative Thoughts, you can buy into them and exxaggerate them. Don’t try to argue with your NTs. Instead, make them as extreme as possible. For example, if you feel inferior, you could tell yourself, “Yes, it’s true. In fact, I’m probably the most inferior person in California at this time.” Paradoxically, this humorous method can sometimes provide objectivity and relief. Of course, if you’re really feeling upset, this may have the unintended effect of making you feel even worse. If so, go on to another method.

22. Shame-Attacking Exercises: If you suffer from shyness, you probably have intense fears of looking foolish in front of other people. Shame-Attacking Exercises are a specific and potent antidote to these kinds of fears. You intentionally do something foolish in public. For example, you could stand up and loudly announce each stop on a bus or shout out the time in a crowded department store. When you make a fool of yourself on purpose, you realize that the world doesn’t really come to an end, and that people don’t really look down on you. This discovery can be tremendously liberating.

29. What-If Technique: This technique is similar to the Downward Arrow Technique, but it’s geared specifically to anxiety. Draw a downward arrow under a Negative Thought and ask yourself, “What if that were true? What’s the worst that could happen? What do I fear the most?” A new Negative Thought or fantasy will come to mind. Write it down under the arrow and repeat the process several times. You will generate additional thoughts until you uncover the fantasy that frightens you the most. Then you can ask  yourself, “How likely is it that this would happen? And could I live with it if it did?”

Self Esteem

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self esteem park picSelf Esteem: Philosophical/ Spiritual Techniques

18. Acceptance Paradox: Instead of defending yourself against your own criticisms, you can find truth in them and accept your shortcomings with tranquility. Tell yourself, “It’s true that I have many inadequacies. In fact, there is very little, if anything, about me that couldn’t be improved considerably.”

Role-Playing Techniques

19. Externalization of Voices: This Role-Playing technique requires two people and transforms intellectual understanding into emotional change at the gut level. It is by far the most powerful of all cognitive therapy techniques, but it can be quite challenging and even a bit upsetting at first. You and the other person take turns playing the role of your Negative Thoughts and the role of your Positive Thoughts. The person playing the Negative Thoughts attacks, and the person playing the Positive Thoughts defends. Use role-reversal when you get stuck.

20. Feared Fantasy Technique: Like the Externalization of Voices, this is a two person technique. You and the other person act out your worst fears, such as being rejected because you aren’t smart enough or good enough. When you face your worst fear, you often gain liberation from it. Your worst fears ususally don’t turn out to be real monsters, but figments of your imagination that can be defeated with a little logic, compassion, and common sense.

Other Role-Playing Methods: Many techniques are more effective when used in a role playing format. These include: the Double Standard Technique, the Devil’s Advocate, the Acceptance Paradox, the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, the David Letterman Technique, and Flirting Training. Of course, you will need the help of another person, such as your therapist or a friend.

Self Esteem

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self esteem river picSelf Esteem- 14. Let’s Define Terms: When you label yourself as “inferior” or “a fool” or “a loser,” ask yourself what those labels mean. You’ll see that there’s no such thing as a “fool” or a “loser.” Foolish behavior exists, but fools and losers do not. Ask your self, “What’s the definition of an inferior human being or a loser? What is my definition of someone who is hopeless? When I say I’m hopeless, what claim am I making?”

15. Be Specific: Stick with reality and avoid judgments about reality. For example, instead of thinking of yourself as totally defective, you can focus on your specific strengths and weaknesses.

Quantitative Technique

16. Self-Monitoring: Keep track of repetitious negative thoughts or anxiety-producing fantasies by counting them. You can count your thoughts in a couple different ways. You can keep a 3×5 card in your wallet or pocket. Each time you have a Negative Thought, put a tick mark on the card. Alternatively, you can use a wrist counter like the ones golfers wear to keep track of their scores. At the end of the day, record the total on your calendar. Usually, the upsetting thoughts will diminish and disappear after about three weeks of Self-Monitoring.

17. Negative Practice: Schedule several minutes each day to worry or beat up on yourself mentally. For example, if you constantly beat up yourself because of you shortcomings, you can schedule several five minute periods each day to berate yourself and feel miserable. At those times, you can be as self-critical as you want and rip yourself to shreds with gusto. You can use the rest of teh time for joyous, productive living.

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Self Esteem

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self esteem hut picSelf Esteem: Logic Based Technique

10. Socratic Method: Ask yourself several questions that will lead to the inconsistencies in your Negative Thoughts. For example, you might ask yourself, “When  I say that I’m a failure at life, do I mean that I fail some things some of the time, or all things all of the time?” If you say, “some things some of the time,” you can point out that this is true of all human beings. If you say, “all of the things all of the time,” you can point out that this isn’t true of anyone, since no one fails at everything.

11. Thinking in Shades of Gray: Instead of thinking about your problems in black and white categories, you evaluate them in shades of gray. When things don’t work out well as you’d hoped, you can think of the experience as a partial success or a learning opportunity. Pinpoint your specific errors instead of writing yourself off as a total failure.

12. Process Vs. Outcome: You evaluate your performance based on the process– the effort you put in — rather than the outcome. Your efforts are within your control, but the outcome is not.

Semantic Techniques

13. Semantic Method: Substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t have made that mistake,” you can tell yourself, “It would be preferable if I hadn’t made that mistake.” This method is especially helpful for should statements and labeling.

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self esteem picCompassion Based Techniques

5. Double Standard Technique: Instead of putting yourself down, you talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear friend who was upset. Ask yourself, “Would I say such harsh things to a friend with a similar problem? If not, why not? What would I say to him or her?”

Truth-Based Techniques

6. Examine the Evidence: Instead of assuming that your Negative Thought is true , you examine the evidence for it.  Ask yourself, “What are facts? What do they show?”

7. Experimental Technique: You do an experiment test to test the validity of your Negative Thought, in much the same way that a scientist would test a theory. Ask yourself, “How could I test this Negative Thought to find out if it’s really valid?”

8. Survey Method: You do a survey to find out if your thoughts are realistic. Ask yourself, “How do other people think and feel about this? Could I ask some friends about this to get some feedback?” For example, if you belive that social anxiety is rare or shameful, simply ask several friends if they’ve ever felt that way.

9. Reattribution: Instead of blaming yourself entirely for a problem, you can think about the many factors that contributed to it. You can also focus on solving the problem instead of blaming yourself for it. Ask yourself, “What caused this problem? What I contribute and what did others contribute? What can I learn from the situation?”

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Summary of Building Self-Esteem

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self esteem jump picSelf Esteem – So many different strategies for raising your self-esteem have been presented in this chapter. The following worksheet is intended to help you organize what you’ve learned and decide which particular strategies for building self-esteem you want to try out in the immediate future.

I recommend that you stick with no more than three or four strategies and devote at least one week to each. For the questions below, write out specificallly what actions you’ll take with respect to each intervention.

1. Identify no more than three or four needs from the list of needs mentioned earlier in this chapter that you’d like to give special attention to. Then take action to do something about meeting those needs you’ve singled out. What specifically will you do?

2. Work on bringing out your inner child.

  • Record and listen to the inner child visualization
  • Write a letter to your inner child
  • Carry around a photo of yourself as a child
  • Engage in playful activities that give expression to your inner child. What activities will you practice?

3. Work on redescribing negative feelings states as pleas for attention from your inner child. Describe examples of when you do this over a period of at least one week.

4. Do one or more things from the list of self-nurturing activites to help improve your self esteem.  What will you do for each day of a given week?

5. Work on building your support system.  How will you specifically do this?

6. Work on cultivating or enhancing an intimate relationship (for example, spending quality time with your partner, taking a course in communication skills, attending a marriage encounter weekend). How will you do this?

7. Work on improving your understanding and ability to maintain appropriate boundaries (for example, read suggested books by Robin Norwood and Melody Beattie, attend Al Anon or Co-dependents Anonymous meetings, attend a workshop on co-dependency). How will you specifically do this?

8. Learn and practice assertiveness skills. What specifically will you do?

9. Work on upgrading your personal wellness and body image. What are you willing to do in the next month?

10. Work on identifying and expressing your feelings. What specifically will you do?

11. Counter negative self-talk of your Critic or Victim subpersonalities.

12. Work with self-esteem affirmations by

  • Writing one or two of them out several times each day, or
  • Reading them daily from a list, or
  • Putting them on a tape which you listen to daily.
  • Which one will you do?

13. Define your important personal goals over the month, six months, year, and three years using the goal exercises. Then take action on one or more goals. What specifically will you do?

14. List personal accomplishments you’ve achieved to date.