Self esteem, as human beings have gone to the moon, split the atom, unraveled the genetic code, probed the birth of the universe and achieved technological triumphs with impressive, blinding brilliance. Yet I wonder if achieving inner triumphs within ourselves is just as important. Isn’t it strange that we can spit the atom and go to the moon, but we cant feed the physical emotional, self esteem, and spiritual starvation of others and our selves? But isn’t the pursuit of knowledge the key to advancing our evolution? We see this today with the technology of the internet and how it can supply almost any bit of information we want. However, don’t we have generations of people stressed, depressed with low self esteem on Prozac, lonely, confused leading meaningless lives, and addicted to everything from food and television to drugs and alcohol? The fastest growing addiction today is the computer and the internet. Perhaps the focus should not be so centered outside of our selves but rather within.

Is it so painful to spend some time each day silently going inside our inner mind and conducting an “inner ritual” to access knowledge, insight, and direction like you would the internet? Self esteem. One might say, “but, I don’t have the time!” the average person fills most gaps of silent space with a barrage of stimulation. For example, he/she may get into the car and listen to the radio on the way to work. On their lunch hour, he/she may read a paper. Self esteem. When arriving at home this same person turns on the television for up t four hours. When it is time for bed, the stimulated mind is still online, making it difficult to go to sleep. This may go on for the next 40 years. Yet we say we are looking for more purpose, meaning, excitement and balance in our lives even though we stuff our selves with a multimedia smorgasbord on a daily basis. Self esteem.

The Meaning of Self Esteem

Self esteem is a way of thinking, feeling and acting that implies that you accept, respect, trust and believe in yourself. When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses without undue self criticism. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well in much the same way you would treat someone you respect. Self trust means that your behaviors and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence despite changes and challenges in your external circumstances. To believe in yourself means that you feel you deserve to have the good things in life. It also means that you have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations, and goals. To get a sense about your own level of self esteem, think of someone (or imagine what it would be like to know someone) whom you fully accept, respect, trust, and believe in. now ask yourself to what extent you hold these attitudes toward yourself.

Where Does Self Esteem Come From?

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Our self esteem develops and evolves throughout our lives as we build an image of ourselves through our experiences with different people and activities. Experiences during our childhood play a particularly large role in the shaping of our basic self esteem.

When we were growing up, our successes (and failures) and how we were treated by the members of our immediate family, by our teachers, coaches, religious authorities, and by our peers, all contributed to the creation of our basic self esteem.

An adult who has healthy self esteem was given this gift in childhood. This could have been done in many ways. Probably one of the most important is being praised for accomplishments. Children who are talked to respectfully and listened to also contributed to healthy self esteem in adulthood. These children were hugged often and given attention and experienced some type of success in school or sporting activities.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have to identify the childhood for those adults who have poor self esteem. These children were often criticized harshly, were yelled at or beaten, and were given little attention by those they were closest to. They were ridiculed and even teased as they experienced failures in their young lives. They were made to feel they had to be perfect in order to be valued and associated failure in situations as a failure of their whole selves.

It’s sad, isn’t it? To think of a child treated that way. What’s even sadder is the effect that treatment has on their lives as adults. We are shaped and molded by our experiences. Do you recognize yourself?

How we feel about ourselves can influence how we live our lives. People who feel that they are likable and lovable (in other words people with good self esteem) have better relationships. They are more likely to ask for help and support from friends and family when they need it. People who believe they can accomplish goals and solve problems are more likely to do well in school. Having good self esteem allows you to accept yourself and live life to the fullest.

Self esteem plays a role in almost everything we do. People with high self esteem do better in school and find it easier to make friends. They tend to have better relationships with peers and adults, feel happier, find it easier to deal with mistakes, disappointments, and failures, and are more likely to stick with something until they succeed. It takes some work, but it’s a skill you’ll have for life.

This book is about how to raise your self esteem, so we will focus on the low self esteem that many people have these days. You can overcome issues with low self esteem. It’s not as difficult as you might think. In fact, all you have to do is recognize, understand, and use the techniques we will give you.

What is Self Esteem

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Esteem is a simple word. It is worth and value that we apply to people, places, and situations. It is the amount of respect we assess. We have esteem for our world leaders. We have esteem for places like church and synagogue. We have esteem for an exemplary performance whether it is in sports, acting, or simply doing the right thing.

But the most important place we need to apply esteem is within ourselves. We must maintain our self esteem in order to place value on ourselves as a worthy individual in the world. Self esteem can affect every single part of our lives. If that esteem is low, our lives will be dull and gray. Elevating esteem for ourselves could very well be the key to happiness in life.

Most people’s feelings and thoughts about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a romantic relationship-all can have a temporary impact on your wellbeing.

Your own self esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal “ups and downs” associated with situational changes. For people with good basic self esteem, normal “ups and downs” may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor basic self esteem, these “ups and downs” may make all the difference in the world.

People with poor self esteem often rely on how they are doing in the present to determine how they feel about themselves. They need positive external experiences to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that constantly plague them. Even then, the good feeling (from a good grade, etc.) can be temporary.

Healthy self esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.

What we want to do is help you raise your self esteem to levels that will enhance your life and the way you view life. It can make a tremendous difference in your quality of life. Learning techniques to raise self esteem can be taught and put into practice in just a few days. However, it will take practice to keep your self-worth at the forefront.

We can show you how to improve your self esteem in just one weekend! Three short days where you will apply what this book will show you and that will stay with you as your life becomes the bright place it should be.

Self Esteem suffers in seniors

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Has your self esteem taken a hit? If you’re young, the value you see in yourself, or self esteem, will probably rise steadily through middle age. But as soon as you hit the big six-zero in your near future, the value you place upon yourself will likely decline in the years ahead, perhaps dramatically.

That’s the broad conclusion of a new study showing how self esteem changes over the human lifespan. The study, based on interviews with a total of 3,617 Americans over a 16-year period from 1986 to 2002, concludes that of all the factors that affect how we view ourselves, our health and our financial prosperity have the most lasting impact.

“We tested the effects of gender, ethnicity, education, income, employment status, relationship satisfaction, marital status, social support, health experiences and stressful life events,” said psychologist Richard W. Robins of the University of California, Davis, co-author of the study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “Many of these variables were related to self esteem, but in our study, only health and income helped to explain the decline in self esteem that occurs in old age,” Robins said.

Why Self Esteem Matters

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A number of years ago I worked for one of the UK’s top IT companies — a global player. We were meeting to discuss a major bid, and the room was filled with people who didn’t meet often — the most senior managers from a number of divisions. There were very few middle tier managers in the room, almost exclusively senior managers who were accustomed to being ‘top dog’. The atmosphere in that room was almost tangible. I wanted to bottle the air and analyze it later — I had never experienced such naked power, and it dawned on me in that moment that we are almost blind to the status signals we transmit.

That meeting was an epiphany, and led to me becoming a hypnotherapist with a particular interest in researching confidence and self esteem. Because what I discovered in that company, and in many companies I have assisted subsequently, was the startling fact that an individual’s self-esteem is a reliable indicator of how far they will progress in the organization. Some technical geniuses can buck the trend, but they are very rare. For most of us, our ability to influence decision-making is precisely limited by our self esteem.

Why does this matter? It matters because the person with the greatest self esteem is not necessarily the right person to be making the key decisions. We have all suffered foolish bosses. Perhaps we have all wondered how on earth they reached such positions of seniority, given their obvious shortcomings. If you will excuse the bluntness: that incompetent boss is there because you haven’t yet been sufficiently convincing. Your performance is perhaps the least important aspect on which you will be judged; what matters is your status in the group.

Status is a fascinating topic. We communicate our status constantly, primarily through body language and voice tone. This communication is unconscious; it is felt rather than known or consciously controlled. The way in which you behave reflects your self perception of status. This is either accepted or challenged by the people around you. A dominant person (relative to you) will cause you to back off from a challenge. A submissive person (again, relative to your own status) will make it easy for you to project your will.

And so we come to the nub. We should all seek to develop our self esteem, not because of the personal benefits which will flow from this personal growth — career enhancement, improved love life etc — but because we have a duty to ourselves and our communities. Until and unless we step up to the plate, our communities will remain vulnerable to an almost random process of leader selection. So ask yourself: ‘Am I allowing less talented people to make decisions on my behalf?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps you should consider stepping up to the plate yourself. The first step in this process is building up your own self confidence and self esteem. Don’t be bashful; there’s nothing selfish about developing your own qualities. A community with a rich selection of potential leaders is, in my view, a secure community.

8 Universal Laws of Self Esteem

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The Self esteem Law of Stuart Smalley

Genuinely strong self-esteem has nothing to do with the Stuart Smalley character on “Saturday Night Live.” Smalley was played by talk-show host A1 Franken who looked in the mirror to tell himself “You’re good enough,you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” This is not the kind of namby-pamby-feel-good self-esteem we’re talking about.

The Law of Definition

Self-esteem is one of those frequently used terms that we believe we know the meaning of until we are asked to define it. Most folks define it as the way you feel about yourself. The problem is feelings can, and often do, change. The definition I have found most useful of self-esteem is: the strength and power of your belief in your self.

The Law of Ends vs. Means

While working on increasing your self-esteem, remember it’s just a means to an end, not the end in and of itself. I’ve known lots of unsuccessful people, and even people who continually do the wrong thing, and yet they feel good about themselves. Self-esteem is merely a means to the end if increasing the quality of life, for yourself and those around you.

The Law of Company

Self-esteem is strongly influenced by the company you keep. Hang around people with weak self-esteem and yours is likely to be weak as well. And guess what? Hang around people with strong self-esteem, and yours is likely to strengthen as well.

The Law of Blame and Accuse

I’ve heard so many people say “My self-esteem is low because I’m too this/that, I grew up without this/that and this/that has happened to me.” Which usually leads me to wonder what does a person who is too this/that, grew up without this/that, and has had this/that happen to them, DO WITH THE REST OF HIS OR HER LIFE?

The Law of Action

You can learn about self-esteem, read about it, go to seminars, etc., and nothing will change if you don’t do something with what you learn. In order to change something, you simply must TAKE ACTION!

The law of NWBG

While NWBG may sound like the name of a rock group, it’s really a fast and easy way to measure and improve your self-esteem. In vertical order, write the letters NWBG, which stand for Now-Worst-Best-Goal. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is the worst and 10 is the best) rate your self-esteem the way it is Now, the Worst it has ever been, the Best it has ever been, and the Goal you would like it to be. This gives you a number next to each of the letters NWBG. If you are like most folks, Now is higher the Worst. This gives us some important information:

How did you get from the worst to where you are now? The answers can be key for further strengthening your self esteem.

The Law of Higher Math

Now we will do a little higher math in order to strengthen your self-esteem. Take the number for your Goal (let’s say 10) and subtract from it the number for now (let’s say 4), so it’s 6. So that’s six levels of self esteem to travel, which is too big a chunk all at once.

Let’s make it manageable by taking one level at a time. What small, simple steps can you begin to take immediately to move you from a four to a five? And then a 5 to a 6, a 6 to a 7, and so on. In this way you can measure your progress as you go, and rather quickly strengthen your self-esteem.

How’s that for progress?

Summary of Building Self-Esteem

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self esteem jump picSelf Esteem – So many different strategies for raising your self-esteem have been presented in this chapter. The following worksheet is intended to help you organize what you’ve learned and decide which particular strategies for building self-esteem you want to try out in the immediate future.

I recommend that you stick with no more than three or four strategies and devote at least one week to each. For the questions below, write out specificallly what actions you’ll take with respect to each intervention.

1. Identify no more than three or four needs from the list of needs mentioned earlier in this chapter that you’d like to give special attention to. Then take action to do something about meeting those needs you’ve singled out. What specifically will you do?

2. Work on bringing out your inner child.

  • Record and listen to the inner child visualization
  • Write a letter to your inner child
  • Carry around a photo of yourself as a child
  • Engage in playful activities that give expression to your inner child. What activities will you practice?

3. Work on redescribing negative feelings states as pleas for attention from your inner child. Describe examples of when you do this over a period of at least one week.

4. Do one or more things from the list of self-nurturing activites to help improve your self esteem.  What will you do for each day of a given week?

5. Work on building your support system.  How will you specifically do this?

6. Work on cultivating or enhancing an intimate relationship (for example, spending quality time with your partner, taking a course in communication skills, attending a marriage encounter weekend). How will you do this?

7. Work on improving your understanding and ability to maintain appropriate boundaries (for example, read suggested books by Robin Norwood and Melody Beattie, attend Al Anon or Co-dependents Anonymous meetings, attend a workshop on co-dependency). How will you specifically do this?

8. Learn and practice assertiveness skills. What specifically will you do?

9. Work on upgrading your personal wellness and body image. What are you willing to do in the next month?

10. Work on identifying and expressing your feelings. What specifically will you do?

11. Counter negative self-talk of your Critic or Victim subpersonalities.

12. Work with self-esteem affirmations by

  • Writing one or two of them out several times each day, or
  • Reading them daily from a list, or
  • Putting them on a tape which you listen to daily.
  • Which one will you do?

13. Define your important personal goals over the month, six months, year, and three years using the goal exercises. Then take action on one or more goals. What specifically will you do?

14. List personal accomplishments you’ve achieved to date.

List of Personal Accomplishments

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Self Esteem – In identifying goals for the future, it’s important not to lose sight of what you’ve already accomplished in your life. It’s common to forget about past attainments at those times when you’re feeling dissatisfied with yourself. You can raise your self-esteem in a few minutes by thinking about your life and giving yourself credit for those goals you’ve already achieved.

The following exercise is designed  to help you do this. Think about your entire life as you review each area and make a list of your accomplishments. Keep in mind that while it’s gratifying to have external, “socially recognized” achievements, the most important attainments are more intangible and internal. What you’ve given to others (love, guidance, assistance, etc.) and life lessons you’ve gained on the road to maturity and wisdom are ultimitaley your most important accomplishments.

For each of the following areas, list any accomplishments you’ve had up to the present.

School

Work and Career

Home and Family

Athletics

Arts and Hobbies

Leadership

Prizes or Awards

Personal Growth and Self-Improvement

Charitable Activities

Intangibles Given to Others

Important Life Lessons Learned

Other

Taking personal responsibility for achieving the things you want most out of life and making tangible progress toward obtaining them –will greatly add to your sense of self-esteem. An excellent book for getting started  that I recommended is Susan Jeffer’s Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway Also check out Embracing Fear: and Finding the Courage to Live Your Life.

For more recommended books on fear and goals click here.

Fear In The Way of Goals Exercise

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Self Esteem – To overcome the feeling of not deserving to achieve your goal, I suggest that you work intensively with the simple affirmation “I deserve _____________” or “I deserve to have _____________.” Don’t be sparing in the use of repetition with this particular affirmation. Continue to work with it until you develop an emotional conviction that it is true. Developing the belief that you deserve what you truly want will add significantly to your self esteem.

After you’ve worked through your specific obstacles to taking action on your goals, it’s time to develop a plan of action. Break down your goal into a series of steps. Remember that this is a long range plan. As an option, you may wish to specify a time frame for accomplishing each step.

For example, you might be feeling increasingly dissatisfied with your present line of work and would like to be doing something else. Yet, you’re not quite sure about what you want to do, let alone how to go about training for it. The board goal of “getting into another line of work” might seem a bit overwhelming, taken as a whole. But if you break it down into component parts, it becomes more managable”

1. Find a career counselor you respect

2. Explore different options by:

3. Narrow down vocational options to one particular type of work

4. Obtain education or training for the line of work you have chosen

5. Complete your education or training (if possible while maintaining your current job)

6. Search for an entry level position in your new career

  • Obtain resources that tell you where jobs are available
  • Prepare a professional looking resume
  • Apply for jobs
  • Go for interviews

7. Begin your new career

Fear In The Way of Goals

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self esteem fear picSelf Esteem – What are some of the obstacles you might be putting in the way of going after what you want? Fear is the greatest impediment to doing something about your goals, just as it is in the case of overcoming phobias. If you don’t see yourself moving toward what you want, ask whether you’re letting any of the following fears get in your way:

Fear of losing present security
Fear of failure
Fear of personal rejection or the disapproval of others
Fear of succeeding
Fear of your goal involving too much work
Fear of your goal involving too much time
Fear of your goal involving too much energy
Fear that your goal is too unrealistic – for example, that others will discourage you
Fear of change itself

The solution to any of these fears about taking action on your life goals is exactly the same as the solution to dealing with a phobia: face the fear and go forward in small steps. There is no way to eliminate some risk and discomfort, but breaking a goal down into sufficiently small steps will enable you to go forward and therefore be one step closer to reaching higher self esteem.

While fear is the biggest obstacle to moving forward on goals, guilt can also be an impediment. You may wish to consider whether any of the following beliefs are keeping you from seeking what you want:

“I’m not good enough to have ________________”

“I don’t deserve to have ________________”

“No one in my family has ever done something like that before.”

“Others won’t approve if I go after _______________”

“No one will accept this idea if I try to put it into practice.”

Continue on to the exercises

A Sense of Accomplishment

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Self Esteem Obstacles Pic

Self Esteem– Accomplishment of personal goals always adds to your self-esteem. If you look back over your life to the times when you felt most confident, you’ll find that they often followed the accomplishment of important goals. Although external achievements can never be the sole basis of a sense of self-worth, they certainly contribute to how you feel about yourself.

If you are dealing with phobias or panic attacks, a most significant accomplishment is the ability to enter into and handle situations that you previously avoided. An even more unassailable sense of achievement is reached when, in addition to confronting phobic situations, you become confident that you can handle any panic reaction that might arise. Those of you who have fully recovered from agoraphobia, social phobias, or panic disorder through conscientiously facing the very things you feared most know hwo much self-confidence and inner strength there is to be gained. Facing your phobias (including the phobia of panic itself) through a process of gradual exposure will, in and of itself, add considerably to your self-esteem.

Beyond the important goal of overcoming phobias and panic, however, are all the other goals you might have in your life. Your sense of self-esteem depends on the feeling that you’re making progress toward all of your goals. If you feel “stuck”  and unable to move toward something important that you want, you may begin to doubt yourself and feel somewhat diminished.

In the Self Esteem Exercises section, you will find an exercise that will help you find your biggest accomplishments in life  and what you would still like to achieve.