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Building Your Self-Confidence

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Do you often find yourself doubting your ability to meet new people, make a good impression, or successfully accomplish tasks? Do you consider yourself to be not as well-off or confident as you once were, or would like to be? If so, you’re likely suffering from low self-esteem. You can work towards changing your mentality and building self-confidence to create a better life for yourself though.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is “the degree to which one feels confident, valuable, and worthy of respect.” To put it plainly, self-esteem is a person’s own estimation about their value, ranging from notions of physical beauty to intellect, and even a gauging of how successful they’ve been in life as a whole.

A person’s level of self-esteem can drastically impact their behavior and mental state. People with high self-esteem tend to feel positive about themselves. They believe they’ve made successful choices and a good amount of progress toward their personal goals and life ambitions. On the other hand, people with low self-esteem are more likely to view themselves negatively. They feel shameful or doubtful about their personal progress and ability to make desired changes in their life.

Low self-esteem can also have debilitating effects on mental health. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) recognizes low self-esteem as a symptom of other mental health conditions which often leads to secondary issues such as anxiety and depression.

Who Suffers from Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem is an incredibly common condition in people of all ages, cultures, occupations and economic groups. One does not necessarily have to be living in any particular condition of poor health or financial hardship to suffer from low self-esteem. Many people who would otherwise be considered successful and healthy have poor self-confidence.

Certain groups of people do seem to be more likely to suffer from low self-confidence. Studies show that high school-aged students are more prone to low self-esteem. Roughly 20 percent of teens experiencing depression before they reach adulthood. Approximately 44 percent of teen girls and 15 percent of teen boys are attempting to lose weight to feel better about themselves. More than 40 percent of boys engage in exercise in an attempt to build muscle to meet perceived notions of attractiveness.

The Royal Society for Public Health conducted a survey of people between the ages of 16 and 24 in the UK about their social media habits and self-described mental health. The study found that among social media platforms, Instagram was the most damaging to self-esteem. Of those surveyed, seven out of ten experienced cyber-bullying, with only thirty-seven percent having reported the harassment; 91 percent of those bullied said no action was taken by the social media network to reprimand bullies. Fortunately, the study also found that nearly seventy percent of young adults reported receiving support of some kind through social media during difficult or trying times.

The Consequences of Low Self-Esteem

Once someone develops a negative impression of themselves, the attitude tends to invade every aspect of their mentality. How this attitude manifests itself differs from person to person but seems to follow general patterns of behavior. Low-self esteem can be hard to manage but determining what pattern your low-self esteem follows can make it easier to overcome. Low self-esteem is defined by three major patterns:

Imposter Syndrome: Someone masks their insecurities by touting or exaggerating accomplishments, fearing that failures will reveal their flawed self.

Rebellion Model:  Someone identifies those who project an air of indifference towards others’ opinions as an attempt to convince themselves they also don’t care. These people tend to act out and defy authority.

Victimhood Model: Someone who convinces themselves, they are helpless in the face of challenges and use pity to avoid making changes.

The consequences of low self-esteem can also be dangerous as studies have found that substance abuse is commonly associated with low self-confidence, and worldwide more deaths are caused by low self-esteem and depression-related suicides each year than homicide or war.

Building Better Self-Confidence

The most recommended aid for building better self-confidence is to seek the help of a therapist. These professionals are experts at helping you uncover and work through the underlying causes of your negative self-image. This is done in an environment that is both comforting and private. It’s not difficult to find therapy options in your area; most cities have several local therapists who can build a regular meeting schedule with you.

There are articles, websites and self-help options to guide you to improve your self-esteem. If you are looking for lower cost or options to do from home, a quick internet search for ‘building self-confidence’ will show you things to do yourself to build confidence.

Putting it All Together

It’s important to keep in mind that you’re not alone, as there are millions of others facing the same difficulties.  There is a huge well of resources available to help you get the support you need.

You can overcome low self-esteem, and it often starts with making small changes day-to-day. The key is to realize your value and work toward appreciating the things that make you truly unique in life. If you need help, take advantage of the resources available to you. Start the process of working toward a more confident you today.

Why Self Esteem Matters

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A number of years ago I worked for one of the UK’s top IT companies — a global player. We were meeting to discuss a major bid, and the room was filled with people who didn’t meet often — the most senior managers from a number of divisions. There were very few middle tier managers in the room, almost exclusively senior managers who were accustomed to being ‘top dog’. The atmosphere in that room was almost tangible. I wanted to bottle the air and analyze it later — I had never experienced such naked power, and it dawned on me in that moment that we are almost blind to the status signals we transmit.

That meeting was an epiphany, and led to me becoming a hypnotherapist with a particular interest in researching confidence and self esteem. Because what I discovered in that company, and in many companies I have assisted subsequently, was the startling fact that an individual’s self-esteem is a reliable indicator of how far they will progress in the organization. Some technical geniuses can buck the trend, but they are very rare. For most of us, our ability to influence decision-making is precisely limited by our self esteem.

Why does this matter? It matters because the person with the greatest self esteem is not necessarily the right person to be making the key decisions. We have all suffered foolish bosses. Perhaps we have all wondered how on earth they reached such positions of seniority, given their obvious shortcomings. If you will excuse the bluntness: that incompetent boss is there because you haven’t yet been sufficiently convincing. Your performance is perhaps the least important aspect on which you will be judged; what matters is your status in the group.

Status is a fascinating topic. We communicate our status constantly, primarily through body language and voice tone. This communication is unconscious; it is felt rather than known or consciously controlled. The way in which you behave reflects your self perception of status. This is either accepted or challenged by the people around you. A dominant person (relative to you) will cause you to back off from a challenge. A submissive person (again, relative to your own status) will make it easy for you to project your will.

And so we come to the nub. We should all seek to develop our self esteem, not because of the personal benefits which will flow from this personal growth — career enhancement, improved love life etc — but because we have a duty to ourselves and our communities. Until and unless we step up to the plate, our communities will remain vulnerable to an almost random process of leader selection. So ask yourself: ‘Am I allowing less talented people to make decisions on my behalf?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps you should consider stepping up to the plate yourself. The first step in this process is building up your own self confidence and self esteem. Don’t be bashful; there’s nothing selfish about developing your own qualities. A community with a rich selection of potential leaders is, in my view, a secure community.

50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking Part 10

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38. The Decision Making Form- If you’re having trouble making up your mind about something, you can use the Decision-Making Form. This form will show will show why you’re getting hung up  and will help you finalize your decision. The purpose of the Decision Making Form is not to tell you what to do, but to show you what the real issues are and how you feel about them.

Exposure Techniques for Anxiety

39. Gradual Exposure and Flooding- Gradual Exposure and Flooding are both forms of exposure therapy for anxiety disorders. When you use Gradual Exposure, you expose yourself to the thing you fear in small steps so that it won’t be quite so terrifying. In contrast, when you use flooding, you expose yourself to the thing you fear all at once. For example, if you have an elevator phobia, force yourself to get on an elevator and stay there, no matter  how anxious you feel, until your fear disappears. Gradual Exposure is less traumatic, but it takes longer. Flooding is much more frightening, but it works more rapidly. Both approaches have been used successfully in the treatment of nearly all forms of anxiety.

40. Response Prevention- Response Prevention is an important key to the treatment of all forms of anxiety. It’s often combined with Exposure. For example, let’s say you have a powerful urge to check the mailbox over and over after you drop a letter in. Using Response Prevention, you would drop a letter into the mailbox and walk away without checking it as you usually do. Your anxiety will temporarily get worse, and you’ll feel compelled to check it. But if you refuse to give in to the urge to check the mailbox, your anxiety will eventually disappear.

50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking Part 9

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35. Paradoxical Cost -Benefit Analysis– List only the advantages of a negative thought, belief, feeling, addiction, or relationship problem. The list will make you aware of all the powerful forces that keep you stuck. Ask yourself, “Given all the advantages of this thought (or attitude or behavior), why should I change?”

36. Devil’s Advocate Technique– This is a Role Playing Technique. Another person plays the role of the Devil who tempts you to drink, overeat, procrastinate, or date the wrong person. You talk back to those thoughts in real time. Role-reversals can be helpful when you get stuck. For example, if you are overweight, imagine being in a mall where fast food is sold. The Devil might say, “Gee, why don’t  you get one of those hot, buttery cinnamon buns? They just came out of our oven. They’d taste so good. You deserve it.” You would fight back and say, “I don’t need a cinnamon bun, and I’ll feel terrible if I give in. I’m determined to stick with my diet, and I’m looking forward to fitting into more attractive clothes.” The Devil can try to break down again, and you will fight back.  This method is surprisingly challenging, especially if the Devil is familiar with your own rationalizations and expresses them in a seductive and persuasive manner.

37. Stimulus Control– If you’re trying to break a bad habit, such as alcoholism or overeating, you can reduce temptation rather than struggling with it. For example, if you drink too much, don’t go to places where alcohol is served, and get rid of all the alcoholic beverages in  your house. Stimulus Control is not a complete treatment, but an important part of a more comprehensive program.

Developing Intimacy and Support Part II

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self esteem love picSelf Esteem – While some people  seem content to go through life with a few close friends, most of us seek a special relationship with one particular person. It is in intimate relationships that we open ourselves most deeply and have the chance to discover the most about ourselves. Such relationships help overcome a certain loneliness that most of us would eventually feel – no matter how self-sufficient and strong we may be – without intimacy. The sense of belonging that we gain from intimate relationships contributes substantially to our feelings of self-worth. I want to reemphasize, however, that self esteem cannot be derived entirely from someone else. A health intimate relationship simply reinforces your own self-acceptance, and belief in yourself.

Here is a list of some ingredients that contribute to lasting intimate relationships:

Common interests, especially leisure time and recreational interests

A sense of romance or “magic” between you and your partner. This is an intangible quality of attraction that goes well beyond the physical level. It’s usually very strong and steady in the first three to six months of a relationship. The relationship then requires the ability to renew, refresh, and rediscover this magic as it mutures.

Mutual acceptance and support of each other’s personal growth and change. It is well known that when only one person is growing in a relationship, or feels invalidated in their growth by the other, the relationship often ends.

Mutual acceptance of each other’s faults and weaknesses. After the initial romantic months of a relationship are over, each partner must find enough good in the other to tolerate and accept the other’s faults and weaknesses.

Sharing of feelings. Genuine closeness between two people requires emotional vulnerability and a willingness to open up and share your deepest feelings.

Developing Intimacy and Support Part I
Developing Intimacy and Support Part III