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8 Universal Laws of Self Esteem

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The Self esteem Law of Stuart Smalley

Genuinely strong self-esteem has nothing to do with the Stuart Smalley character on “Saturday Night Live.” Smalley was played by talk-show host A1 Franken who looked in the mirror to tell himself “You’re good enough,you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” This is not the kind of namby-pamby-feel-good self-esteem we’re talking about.

The Law of Definition

Self-esteem is one of those frequently used terms that we believe we know the meaning of until we are asked to define it. Most folks define it as the way you feel about yourself. The problem is feelings can, and often do, change. The definition I have found most useful of self-esteem is: the strength and power of your belief in your self.

The Law of Ends vs. Means

While working on increasing your self-esteem, remember it’s just a means to an end, not the end in and of itself. I’ve known lots of unsuccessful people, and even people who continually do the wrong thing, and yet they feel good about themselves. Self-esteem is merely a means to the end if increasing the quality of life, for yourself and those around you.

The Law of Company

Self-esteem is strongly influenced by the company you keep. Hang around people with weak self-esteem and yours is likely to be weak as well. And guess what? Hang around people with strong self-esteem, and yours is likely to strengthen as well.

The Law of Blame and Accuse

I’ve heard so many people say “My self-esteem is low because I’m too this/that, I grew up without this/that and this/that has happened to me.” Which usually leads me to wonder what does a person who is too this/that, grew up without this/that, and has had this/that happen to them, DO WITH THE REST OF HIS OR HER LIFE?

The Law of Action

You can learn about self-esteem, read about it, go to seminars, etc., and nothing will change if you don’t do something with what you learn. In order to change something, you simply must TAKE ACTION!

The law of NWBG

While NWBG may sound like the name of a rock group, it’s really a fast and easy way to measure and improve your self-esteem. In vertical order, write the letters NWBG, which stand for Now-Worst-Best-Goal. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is the worst and 10 is the best) rate your self-esteem the way it is Now, the Worst it has ever been, the Best it has ever been, and the Goal you would like it to be. This gives you a number next to each of the letters NWBG. If you are like most folks, Now is higher the Worst. This gives us some important information:

How did you get from the worst to where you are now? The answers can be key for further strengthening your self esteem.

The Law of Higher Math

Now we will do a little higher math in order to strengthen your self-esteem. Take the number for your Goal (let’s say 10) and subtract from it the number for now (let’s say 4), so it’s 6. So that’s six levels of self esteem to travel, which is too big a chunk all at once.

Let’s make it manageable by taking one level at a time. What small, simple steps can you begin to take immediately to move you from a four to a five? And then a 5 to a 6, a 6 to a 7, and so on. In this way you can measure your progress as you go, and rather quickly strengthen your self-esteem.

How’s that for progress?

Summary of Building Self-Esteem

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self esteem jump picSelf Esteem – So many different strategies for raising your self-esteem have been presented in this chapter. The following worksheet is intended to help you organize what you’ve learned and decide which particular strategies for building self-esteem you want to try out in the immediate future.

I recommend that you stick with no more than three or four strategies and devote at least one week to each. For the questions below, write out specificallly what actions you’ll take with respect to each intervention.

1. Identify no more than three or four needs from the list of needs mentioned earlier in this chapter that you’d like to give special attention to. Then take action to do something about meeting those needs you’ve singled out. What specifically will you do?

2. Work on bringing out your inner child.

  • Record and listen to the inner child visualization
  • Write a letter to your inner child
  • Carry around a photo of yourself as a child
  • Engage in playful activities that give expression to your inner child. What activities will you practice?

3. Work on redescribing negative feelings states as pleas for attention from your inner child. Describe examples of when you do this over a period of at least one week.

4. Do one or more things from the list of self-nurturing activites to help improve your self esteem.  What will you do for each day of a given week?

5. Work on building your support system.  How will you specifically do this?

6. Work on cultivating or enhancing an intimate relationship (for example, spending quality time with your partner, taking a course in communication skills, attending a marriage encounter weekend). How will you do this?

7. Work on improving your understanding and ability to maintain appropriate boundaries (for example, read suggested books by Robin Norwood and Melody Beattie, attend Al Anon or Co-dependents Anonymous meetings, attend a workshop on co-dependency). How will you specifically do this?

8. Learn and practice assertiveness skills. What specifically will you do?

9. Work on upgrading your personal wellness and body image. What are you willing to do in the next month?

10. Work on identifying and expressing your feelings. What specifically will you do?

11. Counter negative self-talk of your Critic or Victim subpersonalities.

12. Work with self-esteem affirmations by

  • Writing one or two of them out several times each day, or
  • Reading them daily from a list, or
  • Putting them on a tape which you listen to daily.
  • Which one will you do?

13. Define your important personal goals over the month, six months, year, and three years using the goal exercises. Then take action on one or more goals. What specifically will you do?

14. List personal accomplishments you’ve achieved to date.

List of Personal Accomplishments

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Self Esteem – In identifying goals for the future, it’s important not to lose sight of what you’ve already accomplished in your life. It’s common to forget about past attainments at those times when you’re feeling dissatisfied with yourself. You can raise your self-esteem in a few minutes by thinking about your life and giving yourself credit for those goals you’ve already achieved.

The following exercise is designed  to help you do this. Think about your entire life as you review each area and make a list of your accomplishments. Keep in mind that while it’s gratifying to have external, “socially recognized” achievements, the most important attainments are more intangible and internal. What you’ve given to others (love, guidance, assistance, etc.) and life lessons you’ve gained on the road to maturity and wisdom are ultimitaley your most important accomplishments.

For each of the following areas, list any accomplishments you’ve had up to the present.

School

Work and Career

Home and Family

Athletics

Arts and Hobbies

Leadership

Prizes or Awards

Personal Growth and Self-Improvement

Charitable Activities

Intangibles Given to Others

Important Life Lessons Learned

Other

Taking personal responsibility for achieving the things you want most out of life and making tangible progress toward obtaining them –will greatly add to your sense of self-esteem. An excellent book for getting started  that I recommended is Susan Jeffer’s Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway Also check out Embracing Fear: and Finding the Courage to Live Your Life.

For more recommended books on fear and goals click here.

Fear In The Way of Goals Exercise

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Self Esteem – To overcome the feeling of not deserving to achieve your goal, I suggest that you work intensively with the simple affirmation “I deserve _____________” or “I deserve to have _____________.” Don’t be sparing in the use of repetition with this particular affirmation. Continue to work with it until you develop an emotional conviction that it is true. Developing the belief that you deserve what you truly want will add significantly to your self esteem.

After you’ve worked through your specific obstacles to taking action on your goals, it’s time to develop a plan of action. Break down your goal into a series of steps. Remember that this is a long range plan. As an option, you may wish to specify a time frame for accomplishing each step.

For example, you might be feeling increasingly dissatisfied with your present line of work and would like to be doing something else. Yet, you’re not quite sure about what you want to do, let alone how to go about training for it. The board goal of “getting into another line of work” might seem a bit overwhelming, taken as a whole. But if you break it down into component parts, it becomes more managable”

1. Find a career counselor you respect

2. Explore different options by:

3. Narrow down vocational options to one particular type of work

4. Obtain education or training for the line of work you have chosen

5. Complete your education or training (if possible while maintaining your current job)

6. Search for an entry level position in your new career

  • Obtain resources that tell you where jobs are available
  • Prepare a professional looking resume
  • Apply for jobs
  • Go for interviews

7. Begin your new career

Fear In The Way of Goals

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self esteem fear picSelf Esteem – What are some of the obstacles you might be putting in the way of going after what you want? Fear is the greatest impediment to doing something about your goals, just as it is in the case of overcoming phobias. If you don’t see yourself moving toward what you want, ask whether you’re letting any of the following fears get in your way:

Fear of losing present security
Fear of failure
Fear of personal rejection or the disapproval of others
Fear of succeeding
Fear of your goal involving too much work
Fear of your goal involving too much time
Fear of your goal involving too much energy
Fear that your goal is too unrealistic – for example, that others will discourage you
Fear of change itself

The solution to any of these fears about taking action on your life goals is exactly the same as the solution to dealing with a phobia: face the fear and go forward in small steps. There is no way to eliminate some risk and discomfort, but breaking a goal down into sufficiently small steps will enable you to go forward and therefore be one step closer to reaching higher self esteem.

While fear is the biggest obstacle to moving forward on goals, guilt can also be an impediment. You may wish to consider whether any of the following beliefs are keeping you from seeking what you want:

“I’m not good enough to have ________________”

“I don’t deserve to have ________________”

“No one in my family has ever done something like that before.”

“Others won’t approve if I go after _______________”

“No one will accept this idea if I try to put it into practice.”

Continue on to the exercises

Goal Setting

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Self esteem can be improved when you have a goal to work towards. This exercise is designed to help you narrow down what you would like to achieve.

Ask yourself two questions:

1. What are the most important things I want out of life – now and in the future?
2. What am I doing about these goals right now?

Let’s consider each of these. To answer the first question you need to define what your goals are. If this is presently unclear, thinking about what you want in each of the areas below might help you to be more specific:

Physical Health
Psychological Well-Being
Finances and Money
Intimate Relationships
Family
Living Environment
Friends
Career
Education
Personal Growth
Recreation and Leisure
Spiritual Life

Give yourself some time –up to several days if necessary — to clarify what your most important goals are in these areas over the following time intervals: the next month, the next six months, the next year, the next three years. Write down your most important goals for each time period. You may wish to talk with a close friend or perhaps a counselor to assist you with the process of clarifying your specific personal goals.

The second questions involves honestly evaluation what steps you’re currently taking — or not taking — toward attaining your immediate and longer-range goals. Are you genuinely working toward what you want? Or are you making excuses and setting up obstacle to the attainment of what you want? The popular phrase “taking responsibility for your life” simply means that you take full responsibility for working toward your own goals. Avoiding self-responsibility is to not do anything about what you want and/or expect someone else to do it for you. Avoiding  self-responsibility will guarantee that you’ll have feelings of powerlessness, inadequacy, and even hopelessness. A sense of personal self-worth is dependent on taking responsibility for yourself.