Developing Intimacy and Support Part III

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self esteem lonely picSelf Esteem-Just as important as intimacy is the need for each of us to maintain appropriate boundaries within both intimate and other relationships.

Boundaries simply mean that you know where you end and the other person begins. You don’t define your identity in terms of the other person. And above all, you don’t derive your sense of self-worth and self-authority by attempting to take care of, rescue, change, or control the other person. In the past few years, the terms “women who love too much” and “co-dependency” have been used to define those people who, because they lack a solid, internal basis of self-worth, attempt to validate themselves through taking care of, rescuing, or simply pleasing another person. A good indication of loss of boundaries is spending more time talking or thinking about another’s needs or problems than your own and this can be detrimental on your self esteem.

In her best selling book, Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood advocates the following steps in overcoming co-dependency in a close relationship:

Going for help – giving up the idea you can handle it alone

Making recovery from co-dependency your highest priority

Finding a support group of peers who understand the problem

Developing a personal spiritual life where you can let go of self-will and rely on a “Higher Power”

Learning  to stop managing, controlling, or “running the life” of another or others you love

Learning to let go of playing the game of “rescuer” and/or “victim” with the other person

Facing and exploring your own personal problems and pain in depth

Sharing what you have learned with others

Developing Support and Intimacy Part I
Developing Support and Intimacy Part II

Developing Intimacy and Support Part II

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self esteem love picSelf Esteem – While some people  seem content to go through life with a few close friends, most of us seek a special relationship with one particular person. It is in intimate relationships that we open ourselves most deeply and have the chance to discover the most about ourselves. Such relationships help overcome a certain loneliness that most of us would eventually feel – no matter how self-sufficient and strong we may be – without intimacy. The sense of belonging that we gain from intimate relationships contributes substantially to our feelings of self-worth. I want to reemphasize, however, that self esteem cannot be derived entirely from someone else. A health intimate relationship simply reinforces your own self-acceptance, and belief in yourself.

Here is a list of some ingredients that contribute to lasting intimate relationships:

Common interests, especially leisure time and recreational interests

A sense of romance or “magic” between you and your partner. This is an intangible quality of attraction that goes well beyond the physical level. It’s usually very strong and steady in the first three to six months of a relationship. The relationship then requires the ability to renew, refresh, and rediscover this magic as it mutures.

Mutual acceptance and support of each other’s personal growth and change. It is well known that when only one person is growing in a relationship, or feels invalidated in their growth by the other, the relationship often ends.

Mutual acceptance of each other’s faults and weaknesses. After the initial romantic months of a relationship are over, each partner must find enough good in the other to tolerate and accept the other’s faults and weaknesses.

Sharing of feelings. Genuine closeness between two people requires emotional vulnerability and a willingness to open up and share your deepest feelings.

Developing Intimacy and Support Part I
Developing Intimacy and Support Part III

Developing Support and Intimacy Part I

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self esteem friends picSelf-esteem is something we build within ourselves, much of our feelings of self-worth is determined by our significant personal relationships. Others cannot give you a feeling of adequacy and confidence, but their acceptance, respect, and validation of you can reaffirm and strengthen your own positive attitude and feelings about yourself. Self-love becomes narcissistic in isolation from others. Let’s consider four pathways to self-esteem that involve relationships with others.

 

Close friends and support

Assertiveness

Intimacy

Boundaries

Close Friends and Support
Having close friends and support is very important when trying to improve your self-esteem. When surveys of human values have been done, many people rank close friends near the top, along with career, a happy family life, and health. Each of us needs a support system of at least two or three close friends in addition to our immediate family. A close friend is someone you can deeply trust and confide in. It is someone who comfortably accepts you as you are in all your moods, behaviors, and roles. And it is someone who will stand by you no matter what is happening in your life. A close friend allows you the opportunity to share your feelings and perceptions about your life outside your immediate family. Such a person can help bring out aspects of your personality that might not be expressed with your spouse, children, or parents. At least two or three close friends of this sort, whom you can confide in on a regular basis, are an essential part of an adequate support system. Such friends can help provide continuity in your life through times of great transition such as moving away from home, divorce, death of a family member, and so on.

Assertiveness
Cultivating assertiveness is critical to self-esteem. If you’re unable to clearly get across to others what you want or do not want, you will end up feeling frustrated, helpless and powerless. If you do nothing else, the practice of assertive behavior in and of itself can increase your feeling of self-respect. Honoring your own needs with other people in an assertive manner also increases their respect for you, and quickly overcomes any tendency on their part to take advantage of you.

Developing Support and Intimacy Part II
Developing Support and Intimacy Part III

Self Nurturing Activities

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Self Esteem Happy PicSelf Esteem– How do you go about caring for and nurturing your child within? There are hundreds of small acts of self-nurturing that can serve to cultivate a more caring relationship with yourself and ultimately a much improved sense of self-worth. The list below suggests fifty small ways in which you can nurture yourself on a daily basis resulting in improved self esteem.

Take a warm bath

Have breakfast in bed

Take a sauna

Get a massage

Buy yourself a rose

Take a bubble bath

Go to the pet store and play with some animals

Walk on a scenic path in a park

Visit a zoo

Have a manicure or pedicure

Stop and smell some flowers

Wake up early and watch the sunrise

Watch the sunset

Relax with a good book and/ or sooting music

Go rent a funny DVD

Play your favorite music and dance to it by yourself

Go to bed early

Sleep outside under the stars

Take a mental health day off from work

Fix a special dinner just for yourself and eat by candlelight

Go for a walk

Call a good friend

Go out to a fine restuarant just with yourself

Go to the beach

Take a scenic drive

Meditate

Buy new clothes

Browse in a book or music store for as long as you want

Buy yourself a cuddly stuffed animal and play with it

Write yourself a love letter and mail it

Ask a special person to nurture you

Buy yourself something special that you can afford

Go see a good film or a good show

Go to the park and feed the ducks

Visit a museum or another interesting place

Give yourself more time than you need to accomplish whatever you’re doing

Work on your favorite puzzle or puzzlebook

Go into a hot tub ot jacuzzi

Record an affirmation tape

Write out an ideal scenario concerning a goal, then visualize it

Read an inspirational book

Get in touch with an old friend

Bake or cook something special

Go window shopping

Buy a meditation CD

Listen to positive, motivational tape

Write in a special diary about your accomplishments

Apply fragrant lotion all over your body

Exercise

Sit and hold your favorite stuffed animal

Reevaluating Negative Feelings

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Self Esteem Scared Child PicSelf Esteem– If you were to encounter a small child who appeared scared, confused, or abandoned, you would likely do everything in your power to nurture and comfort her. Yet how do you treat yourself when you feel insecure, scared, lonely, abandoned or otherwise needy? Too often we simply deny these feelings; or else we become critical or rejecting toward ourselves for having them. One of the most profound transformations you can make along the road to greater self-esteem is to re-perceive feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as pleas for attention from your inner child rather than as signs of weakness to be gotten rid of. You will heal yourself faster by acknowledging and nurturing the needy child behind your negative feeling states instead of trying to push away your inner child’s needs.

The next time you feel frightened, insecure, inadequate, vulnerable, or angry, frustrated, and fed up, try asking yourself “What is the need behind this feeling?” What is it that my inner child needs right now?” Then take the time to give your child within the attention, caring, or nurturing she or he needs, and you’ll be surprised how much better you feel.

Learning to re-preceive negative feelings as pleas for attention from your inner child will transform your life and contribute greatly toward your self esteem. This is what “becoming a good parent to yourself” is all about.

Examples of Disguised Pleas for Help From Your Inner Child

You’ve just come home from a hard day or work. You see yourself in the bathroom mirror and you can’t stand the way you look. Your makeup looks too heavy and it’s smeared besides. You look and feel like an old floozy. You begin to think “What’s the use?” You could choose to sink into a depression, but instead ask your inner child what she wants at that moment. Intead of fixing your make up you decide to fill the bathtub with warm bubbly water. You soak in warm water and stay in the tub as long as you would like. When you look in the mirror, you look pink and warm. You feel more forgiving of the way you look- after all, you’ve had a hard day!

Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part III

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Self Esteem Child Picking FlowersSelf esteem is composed of different factors and that’s why it’s important to attack low self esteem from multiple angles. One way to improve self esteem is by reconnecting with your inner child. We have been discussing different exercies that will help you bring out your inner child such as writing a letter, keeping a photo of yourself as a child in your wallet and engaging in real-life activities that you would as a child such as playing on the swings. Now we are going to explore the power of visualization.

Below is a detailed visualization to help you create a closer relationship with your own inner child. You can put this visualization on tape, pausing for a moment between each sentence and pausing for 15 seconds where it says pause. You may also have a close friend who you trust or a relative read the text aloud to you pausing at the appropriate moments.

Healing Your Inner Child

Imagine sitting down in a rocking chair and getting very comfortable. Feel yourself rocking easily back and forth. As you continue rocking, you might find yourself starting to drift…drifting more and more. Rocking back and forth you might find yourself gently drifting back into time. Year by year you might imagine yourself getting younger and younger. Drifting back to a time when you where prehaps very young. You’re imagining now that you can see the little child you were along time ago. Very soon you can imagine seeing yourself as a little child. Perhaps you can see her/him now. What does she look like? What is she wearing? About how old is she? Indoors or outdoors? Can you see what she is doing? Perhaps you can see her face and you can see the expression in her eyes. Can you tell what this little child is feeling right now? (Pause)

As you look at this little girl, can you recall anything that was missing in her life? Is there anything that kept her away from being fully happy? (Pause)

If there was anyone or anything that got in the way of this little girl being completely happy and carefree, perhaps you can imagine seeing that person or situation. (Pause)

What does your little girl feel toward mom, dad, or whoever is standing in front of her? Is there something that your child would like to say to this person right now? If so, go ahead and say it right now. (Pause)

If your inner child is feeling scared or confused about saying anything, imagine that your present day adult self enters the scene right now and goes up and stands next to your inner child. Imagine your adult self speaking up to whoever is there on your little child’s behalf. Your adult self can say whatever is wants. Tell them whatever you need to say…whatever you need to express. (Pause)

Does the person your facing have any response? Listen to see if they have a response. If so, you can respond to what they say. When you’re finished speaking, you can ask whoever is there to either go away and leave you alone…or to go away for a while until you are ready to talk again…or else to stay…and you’re going to accept them as they are and give them a hug. (Pause)

Now go back and see your present day adult self standing next to your little child. If you’re willing, pick up the little girl and hold her in your arms. Tell her it’s going to be OK. Tell her you know how she feels. Tell her you understand. Tell her that you think she’s a great little girl….that you love the way she talks, laughs…and does everything. Tell her that you care and that she’s precious.

Now allow yourself to slowly wake up. You should now feel closer to your inner child.

Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part I
Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part III

Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part II

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Self Esteem Inner Child LetterSelf esteem can be improved with several different techniques. One technique is getting back in touch with your inner child. In a previous article, we explored keeping a photograph of yourself as a child in your wallet. This will help in keeping the inner child fresh in your mind. We also explored engaging in real-life activities that will increase awareness of your inner child. Activities include eating an ice cream cone, going to the zoo, climbing a tree, hugging a teddy bear and playing on the swings. Now we’ll explore writing a letter to your inner child.

Write a Letter to Your Inner Child
Composing a letter to your inner child will help bring more awareness to yourself which is part of improving your self-esteem. Sit down in a quiet room with a pen and paper. In this letter you can tell your child about 1) how you feel about her or him, 2) how you feel about what happened to her or him as a child, 3) how you would like to get to know her or him better, and 4)what you would like to learn from him or her. When you’ve completed this letter, open your mind and see if you can take the role of the little child. Then write a child’s letter back to your adult self, saying how you feel about your adult self and what you would like from him or her.  You might even try using your child’s handwriting for this letter to help get more in touch with how your little child feels. You will be surprised at how well this works in opening up communication between your adult and inner child “selves.”

Bring Out Your Inner Child Part I
Bring Out Your Inner Child Part III

Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part I

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Self Esteem Inner Child PicSelf esteem improvement is imperative on learning to overcome negative patterns internalized from your parents. During this process, you may wish to begin bringing out your inner child. It’s useful to begin this even before you work through all of the limitations you’ve imposed on your child within. There are several ways to go about doing this, including 1) real-life activities which give your inner child expression 2) using photos as a reminder, 3) writing a letter to your inner child, and 4) visualization. You may be surprised to find that caring for your own inner child is a lot less time and energy consuming than bringing up a real one!

Real Life Activities

A number of real-life activities can foster increased awareness of and closeness to your inner child. Spending ten minutes daily doing any of the following may help you not only get in touch with your inner child but also put you on the right track to improving your self esteem.

Hugging a teddy bear or stuffed animal

Going to a children’s playground and using the swings or other playground equipment

Playing with your own child as if you were a peer rather than an adult

Having an ice-cream cone

Going to the zoo

Climbing a tree

Engaging in any other activity you enjoyed as a child

Try to get into the spirit of being a child as you do any of the above. Your feelings in doing so will tell you a lot about your attitude toward your inner child.

 Photographs

Carry a photo of yourself as a child in your purse or wallet and take it out periodically as a reminder of your child within. Reflect on what was going on and how much you felt in your life around the time the photo was taken. After a week or so with one photo, pick another one from another age and repeat the process.

Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part II
Bringing Out Your Inner Child Part III

Overcoming negative attitudes toward your inner child

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Self esteem: A basic truth is that you tend to treat your own inner child in much the same way that your parents treated you as a child. For better or worse, you internalize your parents attitudes and behaviors. If they were overly critical toward you, you likely grew up overly self critical, especially of your “childish” or less rational, impulsive side. If they neglected you, you likely grew up tending to ignore or neglect the needs of your own inner child. If they were too busy for you as a child, you’re likely to be too busy for your inner child as an adult. If they abused you, you may have become self destructive as an adult or else many be abusive of other. If your parents placed a taboo on acknowledging and expressing your feelings and impulses, you may have grown up denying your feelings. The list goes on. To cultivate a healing, caring relationship with your own inner child – to become a good parent to yourself – you need to overcome any internalized parental attitudes that cause you to criticize, abuse, neglect or deny the needs and feelings of your child within.

This can affect your self esteem greatly resulting in further damage to personal and family relationships.

Cultivating a relationship with your inner child

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Self esteem: The concept of the inner child – the child like part of yourself – it has been around for many decades. The psychologist Carl Jung referred to it as the “divine child,” while the religious thinker Emmet Fox called it the “wonder child.” But what is it? How would you recognize your own child within? Some characteristics of the inner child include:

  • The part of you which feels like a little girl or boy
  • That part of your which feels and expresses your deepest emotional needs for security, trust, nurturing, affection, touching and so on.
  • That part of you which is alive, energetic, creative and playful (much as real children are when left free to play and be themselves).
  • Finally, that part of you that shill carries the pain and emotional trauma of your childhood. Strong feelings of insecurity, loneliness, fear, anger, shame or guild.
  • Even if triggered by present circumstances – belonging to the inner child. Actually there are very few new feelings. Especially when they are strong , most of our feelings reflect ways we reacted or failed to react a long time ago as a child.

    • Self Esteem

    How do you fell about the little child within you? If you are willing to allow the little girl or boy inside some freedom of expression, you’ll find it easier to be more playful, fun loving, spontaneous and creative. You’ll find a natural to give and receive affection, to be vulnerable, and to trust. You’ll be in touch with your feelings and free to grow. On the other hand, to the extent that you suppress and deny your inner child, you will likely find it difficult to be playful or have fun. You may tend to be conventional and conforming and act out painful patterns repeatedly. You may feel constricted and inhibited., unable to let go and expand. It will be hard to be vulnerable or trusting, hard to give and receive affection. Finally , you will likely be out of touch with your feelings, inclined to be overly logical or overly in need of keeping everything under tight control.