What is Self Esteem

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Esteem is a simple word. It is worth and value that we apply to people, places, and situations. It is the amount of respect we assess. We have esteem for our world leaders. We have esteem for places like church and synagogue. We have esteem for an exemplary performance whether it is in sports, acting, or simply doing the right thing.

But the most important place we need to apply esteem is within ourselves. We must maintain our self esteem in order to place value on ourselves as a worthy individual in the world. Self esteem can affect every single part of our lives. If that esteem is low, our lives will be dull and gray. Elevating esteem for ourselves could very well be the key to happiness in life.

Most people’s feelings and thoughts about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a romantic relationship-all can have a temporary impact on your wellbeing.

Your own self esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal “ups and downs” associated with situational changes. For people with good basic self esteem, normal “ups and downs” may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor basic self esteem, these “ups and downs” may make all the difference in the world.

People with poor self esteem often rely on how they are doing in the present to determine how they feel about themselves. They need positive external experiences to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that constantly plague them. Even then, the good feeling (from a good grade, etc.) can be temporary.

Healthy self esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.

What we want to do is help you raise your self esteem to levels that will enhance your life and the way you view life. It can make a tremendous difference in your quality of life. Learning techniques to raise self esteem can be taught and put into practice in just a few days. However, it will take practice to keep your self-worth at the forefront.

We can show you how to improve your self esteem in just one weekend! Three short days where you will apply what this book will show you and that will stay with you as your life becomes the bright place it should be.

Kids and Self Esteem

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None of us were born with low self-worth or low self-esteem. It developed through the years by what we were told and how we were made to feel by the people in our lives. Whether you have children or not, you can make a difference in a child’s view of themselves and stop the cycle of low self-esteem problems.

The obvious first step toward fostering a good self-image and self esteem in children is to provide them with unconditional love and caring. Don’t criticize or berate them. Always focus on the positives and provide encouragement in everything they do.

More specifically, however, there are many, many other things you can do. First, you should model good self esteem. Express through your actions and words that you respect yourself. Children are wonderful at imitating what they see and hear. Be a good role model.

Create positive routines. Young children need routines to help them to feel secure and competent. Try to set a good schedule for bedtime, rest/naps, meals, etc. Try to keep exceptions to the routine to a minimum and explain any necessary changes if/when they occur.

Allow many opportunities for children to contribute to the family. Give the child a job/chore that only he/she does for the family. Even a small job can have a positive lasting impact on a child’s self esteem.

Talk about the world in positive terms. Even though there is negativity in the world, don’t dwell on it with a child. Be sure to point out the many positive things in the world to children, even if you don’t believe it yourself its important in building their self esteem.

Give them the gift of your time. Remember quality is more important than quantity. Even if you spend just 30 minutes with a child one on one — playing games, taking walks, having long bedtime chats, or just snuggling in front of the TV, spending time with a child shows them that you value their company. Think Self Esteem.

Give them choices. By giving a child choices between a reasonable set of options that are already predetermined, you will make them feel empowered. But be cautious here. Too much control sends the message that your children can’t adequately handle their lives. Too little control sends the message you don’t care, so you must strike a balance between these two extremes and give them more freedom as they grow older.

Acknowledge and listen to their thoughts and emotions since they are so much a part of who they are. Listening to you offspring with empathy says you care about what they think and feel. Plus it will create an atmosphere in which they will be more willing to listen to you.

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Kids and Self Esteem 2

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You don’t always have to agree with your kids when you listen to them, nor let them do whatever they want. You can have a different view on a situation and still understand their perspective. And you may still have to discipline them even if you better understand why they misbehaved.

You should structure situations so your children experience more success than failure. Don’t expect standards of performance which they cannot achieve. You want them to grow up with far more praise than criticism, more accomplishments than failures this helps build self esteem.

Let your children know they are lovable and capable. Again, this is a self-evident principle and helps build self esteem. You should give your children daily expressions of affection – hugs, kisses, words of love, praise and appreciation. Think of them as cups of love which you want to fill with as much caring as you can.

Provide security for them. Children need to feel secure this is very important in building and maintaining self esteem. Few feel secure when there are conflicts occurring around them. Few can relax inwardly when others around them are shouting, accusing, criticizing and hating each other. To a small child, tension between parents, or between parents and the child or other children, constitute a deep chasm of insecurity. Plus, they may end up blaming themselves for the conflicts around them.

Avoid arguing around them as much as possible. If they do see conflict, make sure they also see resolution of the conflict. Not everything in life is peaches and cream and problems do arise. People will argue – it’s a fact of life. The important part here is that the child sees a peaceful resolution in the end. This will teach them problem solving skills and help them realize that even though there is conflict in the world, there is also a way to resolve it in ways that everyone benefits from. Self Esteem.

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Kids and Self Esteem 3

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Our children need to know that we accept and love them regardless of what they may do, but also that certain forms of behavior are not acceptable to us. We should, however, investigate for ourselves why this behavior is not acceptable.

Is it because it will be potentially harmful to the child, to someone else, or to us? Or is it simply because we are programmed that it should not be done? Or does the behavior conflict with our expectations based on our personal needs and dreams for the child? Or are we afraid of what the others will think about our child and subsequently about us? This has a lot to do with your child’s self esteem and self image.

We must be very clear about why we are rejecting a certain behavior. Our rejection can come out of a place of real love and concern for the child, if, in fact, we are not simply protecting our own interests. As long as a certain behavior does no real harm to anyone, it is best to allow the child to pursue it. Self Esteem.

Something within them, some need is guiding them to explore that kind of activity. They have something to learn through doing that. This does not mean that there are not moments where control or even natural or logical consequences may be necessary. But we need to be sure that the reasons are valid and have to do with real issues of safety or morality and not because we are disappointed with their grades or selection of hobbies, interests or friends. Self Esteem.

In order to love our children unconditionally, we will need to start loving ourselves unconditionally. We will have to let go of all the prerequisites we have put on our own self-love and Self Esteem. We will need to love ourselves even though we are not perfect, even though we make mistakes, even when others do not love and accept us. The more we free our self-love from the various prerequisites, the more our love for our children and others will become unconditional.

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Nervous Illness

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People have suffering from the commonest, simplest form of nervous illness (simple form of Anxiety State) complain of some, or all, of the following symptoms; fatigue, churning stomach, indigestion, racing heart, banging heart, palpitations, “missed” heartbeats, a sharp pain under the heart, a sore feeling around the heart, sweating hands, “pins and needles” in the hands and feet (especially the hands), a choking feeling in the throat, an inability to take in a deep breath, a tight feeling across the chest, “ants” crawling under the skin, a tight band of pain around the head, giddiness, strange tricks of vision such as the apparent movement of inanimate objects, weak “spells”, sleeplessness, depression. Nausea, occasional vomiting, diarrhea, and the frequent desire to pass urine may be added to the list. Self Esteem.

Sufferers from these symptoms are quite certain that there is something seriously wrong with them and cannot believe that anyone else could have had such a distressing experience. Many feel convinced that they have a brain tumor (at least something “deep seated”) or that they are on the verge of insanity. Their one wish is to be, as quickly as possible, the person they used to be before this “horrible thing” happened to them. They are rarely aware that their symptoms are nervous (emotional) in origin and follow a well-recognized pattern shared by numerous sufferers like themselves, the pattern of continuous fear and tension. Self Esteem.

Whats a Nervous Breakown

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It will be appreciated that there are different grades of “nervous” suffering. Countless people have “bad nerves” and many of them, although distressed, continue at their work and cannot be said to suffer from nervous breakdown. Indeed while they readily admit to having “bad nerves” they would indignantly refute any suggestion of breakdown. And yet a nervous breakdown is no more than an intensification of their symptoms. Almost every symptom complained of by people with “bad nerves” will be found here, and such people will recognize themselves again and again in the patients with breakdown described. The symptoms are the same, it is but their severity that varies. The person with breakdown feels these symptoms much more intensely. Self esteem.

Where do “bad nerves” end and where does nervous breakdown begin? By nervous breakdown we mean a state in which a person’s nervous symptoms are so intense that he/she copes inadequately with his daily work or does not cope at all.

The term “nervous breakdown” has an ominous sound to the average person and is veiled in mystery and confusion. Doctors are asked if people really “break” and if so, how? We are also asked how a nervous breakdown begins and how it is caused.

The Breaking Point
Many people are tricked into breakdown. A continuous state of fear, whatever the cause, gradually stimulates the adrenalin-releasing nerves to produce a set pattern of disturbing sensations. These are well known to doctors but so little known to people generally that, when first experienced, they may bewilder and dupe their victims into becoming afraid of them. If asked to pinpoint the beginning of a nervous breakdown, I would say that it is at this moment when the sufferer becomes afraid of the alarming, strange sensations produced by continuous fear and tension and so places himself, or herself in the circle of fear-adrenalin-fear. This is the breaking point. In response to growing fear, more and more adrenalin is released and sensations, which inspire still more fear. The circle goes around and around until the sufferer becomes lost and confused. Self Esteem.

Two Types of Breakdown
Most nervously ill people who have to me for help have had either one of two different types of breakdown. The first is relatively straightforward, and its victim is mainly concerned with physical symptoms, disturbing sensations the way he/she feels. This person has minor problems only, such as an inability because of illness, to cope with his or her responsibilities. We call this kind of illness oan anxiety state, and it is the simplest form of anxiety state we know.

The second type of breakdown is begun by some overwhelming problems, sorrow, guilt, or disgrace. Continuous tension and prolonged, anxious brooding arising from these causes may not only eventually produce the physical symptoms of stress found in the first type of breakdown but may also bring certain distressing experiences, such as indecision, suggestibility, loss of confidence, feelings of unreality, feelings of personality disintegration, obsession, depression. The sufferer may finally become just as concerned with these sensations, these experiences, as with the original cause of his or her illness; indeed, he may become more concerned with them. This too, is an anxiety state but more complicated than the first one described above.

The term breakdown is unscientific and unnecessarily alarming, and the term “Anxiety state” is too “medical” for the purposes of restoring self esteem or self well being.

Kids and Self Esteem 4

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Finally, we must provide positive reinforcement for our children. Everyone likes a pat on the back, recognition, strokes, praise or affirmation of his or her ability, goodness and worthiness. Our children have not yet formed images of themselves and need these positive inputs even more than adults. Children are not sure if they are able or not. They are small in such a large world. They are learning and thus making many mistakes as they try to learn how to do things correctly.

In our attempt to help our children we often tend to point out their mistakes more frequently than their successes. The mistakes are what are more obvious and thus we feel the need to point them out. The successes are taken for granted. We over-emphasize what our children do wrong. This undermines their sense of ability, and they start to doubt whether they can really succeed.

Thus they become preoccupied, worrying about whether they will be able to do it, and whether they will be criticized damaging their self esteem. Thus little energy is left for focusing on what they are actually doing so that they can do it correctly and succeed. Then, if our children’s performance suffers, we become even more critical. This creates a vicious circle in which our children’s sense of ability, success and worthiness is completely undermined.

So, the easy thing to say is just “Don’t do this”. If you find yourself overly criticizing a child or yelling berating comments at them, take a moment, count to 10 and think of a healthier way to address the situation. They will be better for it – and so will you! Self Esteem Baby. What about that huge area that is especially difficult to deal with? It’s bound to happen, but don’t let it swallow you! Criticism can be given and accepted graciously without affecting your self esteem.

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Self Esteem suffers in seniors

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Has your self esteem taken a hit? If you’re young, the value you see in yourself, or self esteem, will probably rise steadily through middle age. But as soon as you hit the big six-zero in your near future, the value you place upon yourself will likely decline in the years ahead, perhaps dramatically.

That’s the broad conclusion of a new study showing how self esteem changes over the human lifespan. The study, based on interviews with a total of 3,617 Americans over a 16-year period from 1986 to 2002, concludes that of all the factors that affect how we view ourselves, our health and our financial prosperity have the most lasting impact.

“We tested the effects of gender, ethnicity, education, income, employment status, relationship satisfaction, marital status, social support, health experiences and stressful life events,” said psychologist Richard W. Robins of the University of California, Davis, co-author of the study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “Many of these variables were related to self esteem, but in our study, only health and income helped to explain the decline in self esteem that occurs in old age,” Robins said.

Why Self Esteem Matters

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A number of years ago I worked for one of the UK’s top IT companies — a global player. We were meeting to discuss a major bid, and the room was filled with people who didn’t meet often — the most senior managers from a number of divisions. There were very few middle tier managers in the room, almost exclusively senior managers who were accustomed to being ‘top dog’. The atmosphere in that room was almost tangible. I wanted to bottle the air and analyze it later — I had never experienced such naked power, and it dawned on me in that moment that we are almost blind to the status signals we transmit.

That meeting was an epiphany, and led to me becoming a hypnotherapist with a particular interest in researching confidence and self esteem. Because what I discovered in that company, and in many companies I have assisted subsequently, was the startling fact that an individual’s self-esteem is a reliable indicator of how far they will progress in the organization. Some technical geniuses can buck the trend, but they are very rare. For most of us, our ability to influence decision-making is precisely limited by our self esteem.

Why does this matter? It matters because the person with the greatest self esteem is not necessarily the right person to be making the key decisions. We have all suffered foolish bosses. Perhaps we have all wondered how on earth they reached such positions of seniority, given their obvious shortcomings. If you will excuse the bluntness: that incompetent boss is there because you haven’t yet been sufficiently convincing. Your performance is perhaps the least important aspect on which you will be judged; what matters is your status in the group.

Status is a fascinating topic. We communicate our status constantly, primarily through body language and voice tone. This communication is unconscious; it is felt rather than known or consciously controlled. The way in which you behave reflects your self perception of status. This is either accepted or challenged by the people around you. A dominant person (relative to you) will cause you to back off from a challenge. A submissive person (again, relative to your own status) will make it easy for you to project your will.

And so we come to the nub. We should all seek to develop our self esteem, not because of the personal benefits which will flow from this personal growth — career enhancement, improved love life etc — but because we have a duty to ourselves and our communities. Until and unless we step up to the plate, our communities will remain vulnerable to an almost random process of leader selection. So ask yourself: ‘Am I allowing less talented people to make decisions on my behalf?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps you should consider stepping up to the plate yourself. The first step in this process is building up your own self confidence and self esteem. Don’t be bashful; there’s nothing selfish about developing your own qualities. A community with a rich selection of potential leaders is, in my view, a secure community.

8 Universal Laws of Self Esteem

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The Self esteem Law of Stuart Smalley

Genuinely strong self-esteem has nothing to do with the Stuart Smalley character on “Saturday Night Live.” Smalley was played by talk-show host A1 Franken who looked in the mirror to tell himself “You’re good enough,you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” This is not the kind of namby-pamby-feel-good self-esteem we’re talking about.

The Law of Definition

Self-esteem is one of those frequently used terms that we believe we know the meaning of until we are asked to define it. Most folks define it as the way you feel about yourself. The problem is feelings can, and often do, change. The definition I have found most useful of self-esteem is: the strength and power of your belief in your self.

The Law of Ends vs. Means

While working on increasing your self-esteem, remember it’s just a means to an end, not the end in and of itself. I’ve known lots of unsuccessful people, and even people who continually do the wrong thing, and yet they feel good about themselves. Self-esteem is merely a means to the end if increasing the quality of life, for yourself and those around you.

The Law of Company

Self-esteem is strongly influenced by the company you keep. Hang around people with weak self-esteem and yours is likely to be weak as well. And guess what? Hang around people with strong self-esteem, and yours is likely to strengthen as well.

The Law of Blame and Accuse

I’ve heard so many people say “My self-esteem is low because I’m too this/that, I grew up without this/that and this/that has happened to me.” Which usually leads me to wonder what does a person who is too this/that, grew up without this/that, and has had this/that happen to them, DO WITH THE REST OF HIS OR HER LIFE?

The Law of Action

You can learn about self-esteem, read about it, go to seminars, etc., and nothing will change if you don’t do something with what you learn. In order to change something, you simply must TAKE ACTION!

The law of NWBG

While NWBG may sound like the name of a rock group, it’s really a fast and easy way to measure and improve your self-esteem. In vertical order, write the letters NWBG, which stand for Now-Worst-Best-Goal. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is the worst and 10 is the best) rate your self-esteem the way it is Now, the Worst it has ever been, the Best it has ever been, and the Goal you would like it to be. This gives you a number next to each of the letters NWBG. If you are like most folks, Now is higher the Worst. This gives us some important information:

How did you get from the worst to where you are now? The answers can be key for further strengthening your self esteem.

The Law of Higher Math

Now we will do a little higher math in order to strengthen your self-esteem. Take the number for your Goal (let’s say 10) and subtract from it the number for now (let’s say 4), so it’s 6. So that’s six levels of self esteem to travel, which is too big a chunk all at once.

Let’s make it manageable by taking one level at a time. What small, simple steps can you begin to take immediately to move you from a four to a five? And then a 5 to a 6, a 6 to a 7, and so on. In this way you can measure your progress as you go, and rather quickly strengthen your self-esteem.

How’s that for progress?