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Why Self Esteem Matters

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A number of years ago I worked for one of the UK’s top IT companies — a global player. We were meeting to discuss a major bid, and the room was filled with people who didn’t meet often — the most senior managers from a number of divisions. There were very few middle tier managers in the room, almost exclusively senior managers who were accustomed to being ‘top dog’. The atmosphere in that room was almost tangible. I wanted to bottle the air and analyze it later — I had never experienced such naked power, and it dawned on me in that moment that we are almost blind to the status signals we transmit.

That meeting was an epiphany, and led to me becoming a hypnotherapist with a particular interest in researching confidence and self esteem. Because what I discovered in that company, and in many companies I have assisted subsequently, was the startling fact that an individual’s self-esteem is a reliable indicator of how far they will progress in the organization. Some technical geniuses can buck the trend, but they are very rare. For most of us, our ability to influence decision-making is precisely limited by our self esteem.

Why does this matter? It matters because the person with the greatest self esteem is not necessarily the right person to be making the key decisions. We have all suffered foolish bosses. Perhaps we have all wondered how on earth they reached such positions of seniority, given their obvious shortcomings. If you will excuse the bluntness: that incompetent boss is there because you haven’t yet been sufficiently convincing. Your performance is perhaps the least important aspect on which you will be judged; what matters is your status in the group.

Status is a fascinating topic. We communicate our status constantly, primarily through body language and voice tone. This communication is unconscious; it is felt rather than known or consciously controlled. The way in which you behave reflects your self perception of status. This is either accepted or challenged by the people around you. A dominant person (relative to you) will cause you to back off from a challenge. A submissive person (again, relative to your own status) will make it easy for you to project your will.

And so we come to the nub. We should all seek to develop our self esteem, not because of the personal benefits which will flow from this personal growth — career enhancement, improved love life etc — but because we have a duty to ourselves and our communities. Until and unless we step up to the plate, our communities will remain vulnerable to an almost random process of leader selection. So ask yourself: ‘Am I allowing less talented people to make decisions on my behalf?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps you should consider stepping up to the plate yourself. The first step in this process is building up your own self confidence and self esteem. Don’t be bashful; there’s nothing selfish about developing your own qualities. A community with a rich selection of potential leaders is, in my view, a secure community.

8 Universal Laws of Self Esteem

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The Self esteem Law of Stuart Smalley

Genuinely strong self-esteem has nothing to do with the Stuart Smalley character on “Saturday Night Live.” Smalley was played by talk-show host A1 Franken who looked in the mirror to tell himself “You’re good enough,you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” This is not the kind of namby-pamby-feel-good self-esteem we’re talking about.

The Law of Definition

Self-esteem is one of those frequently used terms that we believe we know the meaning of until we are asked to define it. Most folks define it as the way you feel about yourself. The problem is feelings can, and often do, change. The definition I have found most useful of self-esteem is: the strength and power of your belief in your self.

The Law of Ends vs. Means

While working on increasing your self-esteem, remember it’s just a means to an end, not the end in and of itself. I’ve known lots of unsuccessful people, and even people who continually do the wrong thing, and yet they feel good about themselves. Self-esteem is merely a means to the end if increasing the quality of life, for yourself and those around you.

The Law of Company

Self-esteem is strongly influenced by the company you keep. Hang around people with weak self-esteem and yours is likely to be weak as well. And guess what? Hang around people with strong self-esteem, and yours is likely to strengthen as well.

The Law of Blame and Accuse

I’ve heard so many people say “My self-esteem is low because I’m too this/that, I grew up without this/that and this/that has happened to me.” Which usually leads me to wonder what does a person who is too this/that, grew up without this/that, and has had this/that happen to them, DO WITH THE REST OF HIS OR HER LIFE?

The Law of Action

You can learn about self-esteem, read about it, go to seminars, etc., and nothing will change if you don’t do something with what you learn. In order to change something, you simply must TAKE ACTION!

The law of NWBG

While NWBG may sound like the name of a rock group, it’s really a fast and easy way to measure and improve your self-esteem. In vertical order, write the letters NWBG, which stand for Now-Worst-Best-Goal. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is the worst and 10 is the best) rate your self-esteem the way it is Now, the Worst it has ever been, the Best it has ever been, and the Goal you would like it to be. This gives you a number next to each of the letters NWBG. If you are like most folks, Now is higher the Worst. This gives us some important information:

How did you get from the worst to where you are now? The answers can be key for further strengthening your self esteem.

The Law of Higher Math

Now we will do a little higher math in order to strengthen your self-esteem. Take the number for your Goal (let’s say 10) and subtract from it the number for now (let’s say 4), so it’s 6. So that’s six levels of self esteem to travel, which is too big a chunk all at once.

Let’s make it manageable by taking one level at a time. What small, simple steps can you begin to take immediately to move you from a four to a five? And then a 5 to a 6, a 6 to a 7, and so on. In this way you can measure your progress as you go, and rather quickly strengthen your self-esteem.

How’s that for progress?

50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking Part 10

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38. The Decision Making Form- If you’re having trouble making up your mind about something, you can use the Decision-Making Form. This form will show will show why you’re getting hung up  and will help you finalize your decision. The purpose of the Decision Making Form is not to tell you what to do, but to show you what the real issues are and how you feel about them.

Exposure Techniques for Anxiety

39. Gradual Exposure and Flooding- Gradual Exposure and Flooding are both forms of exposure therapy for anxiety disorders. When you use Gradual Exposure, you expose yourself to the thing you fear in small steps so that it won’t be quite so terrifying. In contrast, when you use flooding, you expose yourself to the thing you fear all at once. For example, if you have an elevator phobia, force yourself to get on an elevator and stay there, no matter  how anxious you feel, until your fear disappears. Gradual Exposure is less traumatic, but it takes longer. Flooding is much more frightening, but it works more rapidly. Both approaches have been used successfully in the treatment of nearly all forms of anxiety.

40. Response Prevention- Response Prevention is an important key to the treatment of all forms of anxiety. It’s often combined with Exposure. For example, let’s say you have a powerful urge to check the mailbox over and over after you drop a letter in. Using Response Prevention, you would drop a letter into the mailbox and walk away without checking it as you usually do. Your anxiety will temporarily get worse, and you’ll feel compelled to check it. But if you refuse to give in to the urge to check the mailbox, your anxiety will eventually disappear.

50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking Part 9

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35. Paradoxical Cost -Benefit Analysis– List only the advantages of a negative thought, belief, feeling, addiction, or relationship problem. The list will make you aware of all the powerful forces that keep you stuck. Ask yourself, “Given all the advantages of this thought (or attitude or behavior), why should I change?”

36. Devil’s Advocate Technique– This is a Role Playing Technique. Another person plays the role of the Devil who tempts you to drink, overeat, procrastinate, or date the wrong person. You talk back to those thoughts in real time. Role-reversals can be helpful when you get stuck. For example, if you are overweight, imagine being in a mall where fast food is sold. The Devil might say, “Gee, why don’t  you get one of those hot, buttery cinnamon buns? They just came out of our oven. They’d taste so good. You deserve it.” You would fight back and say, “I don’t need a cinnamon bun, and I’ll feel terrible if I give in. I’m determined to stick with my diet, and I’m looking forward to fitting into more attractive clothes.” The Devil can try to break down again, and you will fight back.  This method is surprisingly challenging, especially if the Devil is familiar with your own rationalizations and expresses them in a seductive and persuasive manner.

37. Stimulus Control– If you’re trying to break a bad habit, such as alcoholism or overeating, you can reduce temptation rather than struggling with it. For example, if you drink too much, don’t go to places where alcohol is served, and get rid of all the alcoholic beverages in  your house. Stimulus Control is not a complete treatment, but an important part of a more comprehensive program.

50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking Part 8

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self esteem walk picSelf Esteem:

32. Little Steps for Big Feats: If you have trouble with procrastination, you can break large, overwhelming tasks down into small steps that you can tackle one at a time. If you tell yourself you have to clean the entire garage today, you’ll never get started. Instead, break it down into small steps. Tell yourself you only have to carry two cardboard boxes out to the trash. That will feel far less overwhelming and you may end up doing a great deal more than you planned.

33. Anti-Procrastination Sheet: This is similar to Little Steps for Big Feats but it’s more sophisticated. Break a large task down into small steps and predict how difficult and how satisfying each step will be on a scale from 0% to 100%. Record these predictions on the Anti-Procrastination Sheet. After completing each small step, record how difficult and satisfying it turned out to be on a scale  from 0% – 1o0%. Now compare your predictions with the outcome. Many people discover that each small step is far easier and much more rewarding than they expected.

Anti-Resistance Techniques

34. Straightforward Cost-Benefit Analysis (CBA): List the advantages and disadvantages of a Negative Thought (I’m such a loser) or Self-Defeating Belief (I should be perfect). You can also do a CBA for a negative feeling like anger, guilt, or anxiety, a habit, or a relationship problem. In each case, ask yourself, ” What are the advantages and disadvantages of this belief, feeling, or habit? How will it help me and how will it hurt me?” After you list all the advantages and disadvantages, balance them against each other on a 100-point scale so you can see whether the costs or the benefits or your mind-set are greater.

Self Esteem

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self esteem beach picSelf Esteem: Anti-Procrastination Techniques

30. Daily Activity Schedule: When you’re depressed, everything seems overwhelming, and nothing seems worth doing, so you may give up on life. The Daily Activity Schedule can help you overcome do-nothingism. Record what you do each hour from the time you get up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night. Rate how satisfying each activity was on a scale from 0 (not at all satisfying) to 5 (the most satisfying). A review of the schedule will show you which activities boost your mood the most.

31.  Pleasure Predicting Sheet: Schedule a series of activities with the potential for pleasure, learning, or personal growth. Indicate whom you plan to do each activity with. Include activites you can do by yourself (such as jogging) as well as activities with other people. Predict how satisfying each activity will be on a scale from 0% (the least) to 100% (the most). After you complete each activity, record how satisfying it actually turned out to be on the same scale. Now compare your actual satisfaction ratings with your predictions. Many depressed people find that lots of activities turn out to be more rewarding than they predicted. This discovery can boost your motivation. You can also compare the satisfaction you get from being alone with the satisfaction you get from being with other people. This can help you test Self-Defeating Beliefs such as, “If I’m alone, I’m bound to feel miserable. ”

Self Esteem

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self esteem serenity picSelf Esteem: Humorous techniques

21. Paradoxical Magnification: Instead of refuting your Negative Thoughts, you can buy into them and exxaggerate them. Don’t try to argue with your NTs. Instead, make them as extreme as possible. For example, if you feel inferior, you could tell yourself, “Yes, it’s true. In fact, I’m probably the most inferior person in California at this time.” Paradoxically, this humorous method can sometimes provide objectivity and relief. Of course, if you’re really feeling upset, this may have the unintended effect of making you feel even worse. If so, go on to another method.

22. Shame-Attacking Exercises: If you suffer from shyness, you probably have intense fears of looking foolish in front of other people. Shame-Attacking Exercises are a specific and potent antidote to these kinds of fears. You intentionally do something foolish in public. For example, you could stand up and loudly announce each stop on a bus or shout out the time in a crowded department store. When you make a fool of yourself on purpose, you realize that the world doesn’t really come to an end, and that people don’t really look down on you. This discovery can be tremendously liberating.

29. What-If Technique: This technique is similar to the Downward Arrow Technique, but it’s geared specifically to anxiety. Draw a downward arrow under a Negative Thought and ask yourself, “What if that were true? What’s the worst that could happen? What do I fear the most?” A new Negative Thought or fantasy will come to mind. Write it down under the arrow and repeat the process several times. You will generate additional thoughts until you uncover the fantasy that frightens you the most. Then you can ask  yourself, “How likely is it that this would happen? And could I live with it if it did?”

Self Esteem

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self esteem park picSelf Esteem: Philosophical/ Spiritual Techniques

18. Acceptance Paradox: Instead of defending yourself against your own criticisms, you can find truth in them and accept your shortcomings with tranquility. Tell yourself, “It’s true that I have many inadequacies. In fact, there is very little, if anything, about me that couldn’t be improved considerably.”

Role-Playing Techniques

19. Externalization of Voices: This Role-Playing technique requires two people and transforms intellectual understanding into emotional change at the gut level. It is by far the most powerful of all cognitive therapy techniques, but it can be quite challenging and even a bit upsetting at first. You and the other person take turns playing the role of your Negative Thoughts and the role of your Positive Thoughts. The person playing the Negative Thoughts attacks, and the person playing the Positive Thoughts defends. Use role-reversal when you get stuck.

20. Feared Fantasy Technique: Like the Externalization of Voices, this is a two person technique. You and the other person act out your worst fears, such as being rejected because you aren’t smart enough or good enough. When you face your worst fear, you often gain liberation from it. Your worst fears ususally don’t turn out to be real monsters, but figments of your imagination that can be defeated with a little logic, compassion, and common sense.

Other Role-Playing Methods: Many techniques are more effective when used in a role playing format. These include: the Double Standard Technique, the Devil’s Advocate, the Acceptance Paradox, the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, the David Letterman Technique, and Flirting Training. Of course, you will need the help of another person, such as your therapist or a friend.

Self Esteem

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self esteem river picSelf Esteem- 14. Let’s Define Terms: When you label yourself as “inferior” or “a fool” or “a loser,” ask yourself what those labels mean. You’ll see that there’s no such thing as a “fool” or a “loser.” Foolish behavior exists, but fools and losers do not. Ask your self, “What’s the definition of an inferior human being or a loser? What is my definition of someone who is hopeless? When I say I’m hopeless, what claim am I making?”

15. Be Specific: Stick with reality and avoid judgments about reality. For example, instead of thinking of yourself as totally defective, you can focus on your specific strengths and weaknesses.

Quantitative Technique

16. Self-Monitoring: Keep track of repetitious negative thoughts or anxiety-producing fantasies by counting them. You can count your thoughts in a couple different ways. You can keep a 3×5 card in your wallet or pocket. Each time you have a Negative Thought, put a tick mark on the card. Alternatively, you can use a wrist counter like the ones golfers wear to keep track of their scores. At the end of the day, record the total on your calendar. Usually, the upsetting thoughts will diminish and disappear after about three weeks of Self-Monitoring.

17. Negative Practice: Schedule several minutes each day to worry or beat up on yourself mentally. For example, if you constantly beat up yourself because of you shortcomings, you can schedule several five minute periods each day to berate yourself and feel miserable. At those times, you can be as self-critical as you want and rip yourself to shreds with gusto. You can use the rest of teh time for joyous, productive living.

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Self Esteem

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self esteem hut picSelf Esteem: Logic Based Technique

10. Socratic Method: Ask yourself several questions that will lead to the inconsistencies in your Negative Thoughts. For example, you might ask yourself, “When  I say that I’m a failure at life, do I mean that I fail some things some of the time, or all things all of the time?” If you say, “some things some of the time,” you can point out that this is true of all human beings. If you say, “all of the things all of the time,” you can point out that this isn’t true of anyone, since no one fails at everything.

11. Thinking in Shades of Gray: Instead of thinking about your problems in black and white categories, you evaluate them in shades of gray. When things don’t work out well as you’d hoped, you can think of the experience as a partial success or a learning opportunity. Pinpoint your specific errors instead of writing yourself off as a total failure.

12. Process Vs. Outcome: You evaluate your performance based on the process– the effort you put in — rather than the outcome. Your efforts are within your control, but the outcome is not.

Semantic Techniques

13. Semantic Method: Substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t have made that mistake,” you can tell yourself, “It would be preferable if I hadn’t made that mistake.” This method is especially helpful for should statements and labeling.

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Self Esteem