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Why Self Esteem Matters

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A number of years ago I worked for one of the UK’s top IT companies — a global player. We were meeting to discuss a major bid, and the room was filled with people who didn’t meet often — the most senior managers from a number of divisions. There were very few middle tier managers in the room, almost exclusively senior managers who were accustomed to being ‘top dog’. The atmosphere in that room was almost tangible. I wanted to bottle the air and analyze it later — I had never experienced such naked power, and it dawned on me in that moment that we are almost blind to the status signals we transmit.

That meeting was an epiphany, and led to me becoming a hypnotherapist with a particular interest in researching confidence and self esteem. Because what I discovered in that company, and in many companies I have assisted subsequently, was the startling fact that an individual’s self-esteem is a reliable indicator of how far they will progress in the organization. Some technical geniuses can buck the trend, but they are very rare. For most of us, our ability to influence decision-making is precisely limited by our self esteem.

Why does this matter? It matters because the person with the greatest self esteem is not necessarily the right person to be making the key decisions. We have all suffered foolish bosses. Perhaps we have all wondered how on earth they reached such positions of seniority, given their obvious shortcomings. If you will excuse the bluntness: that incompetent boss is there because you haven’t yet been sufficiently convincing. Your performance is perhaps the least important aspect on which you will be judged; what matters is your status in the group.

Status is a fascinating topic. We communicate our status constantly, primarily through body language and voice tone. This communication is unconscious; it is felt rather than known or consciously controlled. The way in which you behave reflects your self perception of status. This is either accepted or challenged by the people around you. A dominant person (relative to you) will cause you to back off from a challenge. A submissive person (again, relative to your own status) will make it easy for you to project your will.

And so we come to the nub. We should all seek to develop our self esteem, not because of the personal benefits which will flow from this personal growth — career enhancement, improved love life etc — but because we have a duty to ourselves and our communities. Until and unless we step up to the plate, our communities will remain vulnerable to an almost random process of leader selection. So ask yourself: ‘Am I allowing less talented people to make decisions on my behalf?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps you should consider stepping up to the plate yourself. The first step in this process is building up your own self confidence and self esteem. Don’t be bashful; there’s nothing selfish about developing your own qualities. A community with a rich selection of potential leaders is, in my view, a secure community.

Taking Care of Yourself

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Self Esteem RelaxationTaking care of yourself is the foundation on which all other pathways to self esteem rest. Without a basic willingness and ability to care for, love, and nurture yourself , it is difficult to achieve a deep or lasting experience of self worth.
Perhaps you had the good fortune to receive the love, acceptance and nurturing from your parents that could provide you with a solid foundation for self esteem as an adult. Presently you are a free of any deep seated feelings of insecurity and your path to self esteem is likely to be simple and short, involving certain changes in attitude habits, and beliefs. For those who have carried a lifelong sense of insecurity, through, the way to self worth involves developing the ability to give yourself what your parents couldn’t. its possible to overcome deficits from your past only by becoming a good parent yourself.

Some Causes of Low Self Esteem

What are some of the childhood circumstances that can lead you to grow up with feelings of insecurity or inadequacy?

1. Overly critical parents: parents who were constantly critical or set impossible high standards of behavior many have left you feelings of guilt; that somehow you could “never be good enough.” As an adult, you will continue to strive for perfection to overcome a long standing sense of inferiority. You may also have a strong tendency toward self criticism.

2. Significant childhood loss: if you were separated from a parent as a result of death or divorce, you may have been left feeling abandoned. You may have grown up with a sense of emptiness and insecurity inside that can be very intensely by losses of significant people in your adult life.

3. Parental abuses: physical and sexual abuse is extreme forms of deprivation. They may leave you with a complex mix of feelings, including inadequacy, insecurity, lack of trust, guild and or rage. Adults who were physically abused as children may become perpetual victims or may themselves develop a hostile posture toward life, victimizing others.

4. Parental alcoholism or drug abuse: much has been written in recent years on the effects of parental alcoholism on children. Chronic drinking or substance abuse creates a chaotic, unreliable family atmosphere in which it is difficult for a child to develop a basic sense of trust or security.

5. Parental neglect: some parents, because they are preoccupied with themselves, their work, or other concerns, simply fail to give their children adequate attention and nurturing. Children left to their own devices often grow up feelings of insecurity, worthless, and lonely. As adults they may have a tendency to discount or neglect their own needs.

6. Parental rejection: even without physical, sexual, or verbal abuse some parents impart a feeling to their children that they are unwanted. This profoundly damaging attitude teaches a child to grow up doubting his or her very right to exist. Such a person has a tendency toward self rejection or self sabotage. It remains possible for adults with such a past to overcome what their parents didn’t give them through learning to love and care for themselves.

7. Parental over protectiveness: the child who is over protected may never learn to trust the world outside of the immediate family and risk independence. As an adult, such a person may feel very insecure and afraid to venture far from a safe person or place.

8. Parental overindulgence: a spoiled child of overindulgent parents is given insufficient exposure to deferred gratification or appropriate limits. As adults such people tend to be bored lack persistence or have difficulty initiating and sustaining individual effort. They tend to expect the world to come to them rather than taking responsibility for creating their own lives.